When opposites attract...
I was totally shocked when Julie and John asked my husband and me to help prepare them for marriage. You see, these two people are polar opposites. It was beyond my belief that they could ever fall in love and commit to the married state.
My history with these two began years earlier when they were both in middle school. At that time, I taught both of them in the same health and physical education class. To put it lightly, they despised each other as teenagers. It was commonplace to have them disrupt class with their rude bantering and off-color comments. Both were highly skilled athletes and fierce competitors. Neither liked to lose. When one failed, the other claimed arrogant victory. Civility was non-existent. Sportsmanship vaporized in their combined presence.
That's why I couldn't wait to hear the story about their courtship. What in the world brought these two together in a spirit of unity, love, and peace? I was so eager to learn how they went from vitriol to wanting to will each other's good.
Never being one to beat around the bush, I asked them to lay their entire story on the table at our first meeting. With sweet smiles on each of their faces, they gave the other permission to start down memory lane and explain how their lives went from disdain to respect to attraction and finally to a realization that they were meant to spend their lives together. It took a while for them to decide who should tell the story and who should play color commentary. Eventually, they began to unfold a beautiful tale that only God could have authored.
He came from a family of boys. She came from a family of girls.
His upbringing was more akin to the Lord of the Flies and hers to Little Women. Both knew the love of married parents and both knew the hardship of living out the married state when one parent practiced the Catholic faith while the other didn't. Thus, both saw a healthy dose of conflict within their home. Each of them saw how parents could agree to disagree and still be loving.
Julie and John were raised with similar family values. Both families were committed to doing what was right no matter the situation. And, each household etched the importance of being and doing your best into their children's spirit. However, these two lessons were taught in different ways. In the boys' home, force was used to get your message across. (Do it my way or else.) In the girl house words—lots of words—were used. (Let me explain why we do it this way.)
When I met them in the middle school gym, fireworks were always sizzling. Both needed to be right. Both needed to be the best. Both knew how to enter a conflict without a thought of backing down. He was armed with force and she with her rhetoric. What both of them lacked was the ability to resolve the conflict using the other's approach. He didn't know how to listen and she didn't know how to face an immovable force.
They continued to affront each other all the way through high school. More and more teachers talked about how toxic it was to endure a class where they were together. Everyone recalled the joy that happened when graduation parted their ways.
No one wanted to see them together ever again.
College was a time of endless socialization for each of them. They dated people just like them because it felt so easy to be with people with whom you agreed. At first, dating people just like them was fun and exciting. But, over time, it became boring and mundane. While it was true that dating like-minded individuals felt better, it didn't make either of them better.
They both learned that always being in harmony with a date lacked depth. Perpetual concordance didn't challenge either of them to do what is right or be the best they could be. Rather, it allowed them to slack off or run in place. And that became unsettling for both of them. By the time they were leaving their campuses, both knew that it was more important to seek out a life partner who would make you a better person rather than make you feel good.
Fast forward to their five-year class reunion.
Everyone expected drama and conflict when the two of them arrived and entered into a conversation. But, instead of squabbling, the two entered into a warm and intimate dialogue. He listened to her words and she challenged his immovable force. By the end of the night, they both saw something that wasn't present before; mutual attraction to the heart of the other. Within days, he took the initiative to call and ask her out. Within weeks, they were seeing each other regularly. And within a year, they were engaged.
As they closed out their story, my husband commented that God truly created them for each other. He told them he was grateful that both of them understood that marriage was not created by God to make people feel good about themselves. Rather, God instituted marriage to make people better by giving them a helpmate. At this comment, the couple smiled and nodded in agreement.
