“What if they don’t look like their picture?”
This is a thought we all have, but never say out loud for fear of looking superficial. We’d be lying if we said we didn’t feel a twinge of nerves, hoping their pictures match reality. When you only have curated profile pictures to go off of, it’s natural to be wary. Being attracted to someone involves more than just someone’s looks, but it’s still an important element when it comes to having chemistry.
So what do you do if they don’t look like their photos? If you’re getting ready to meet in-person or for a Skype date, here are a few tips on how to handle hopes and expectations when it comes to appearances.
1. Manage your expectations.
Okay, now there’s a difference between someone looking slightly different than their photos and being straight up catfished. If your date looks nothing like their photos to the point where they’ve essentially lied to you about their identity, there’s a deeper problem going on and it’s best to decline further contact.
It is important, however, to manage your expectations prior to meeting. We all present the best versions of ourselves on our dating profiles. We display our best angles, outfits, hair days, etc. It’s natural to choose our best photos, but is that exactly how we look 24/7? Of course not.
If you walk into a date expecting to see a perfect replica of their photo, you’ll be disappointed regardless. Before you meet, remember that nobody is exactly how they look online.
2. Keep an open mind.
If you manage your expectations, it will help you to encounter them for who they really are, not who you imagined them to be. This will allow you to keep an open mind during your date. Sure, they might not look exactly like their photos, but if you go into it open minded, you won’t write them off entirely based on appearances.
You’ll be able to get to know them as you would meeting a new friend, colleague, or peer. You’ll be able to listen and engage with what they’re saying instead of looking for other problems to validate your disappointment. You’ll essentially be able to approach the date more objectively, free from any self-imposed pressure, which is healthier emotionally anyway.
3. Look for compatibility.
If you keep an open mind, you’ll be able to look for real compatibility. Is communication easy or hard? Do you share the same morals and values? Are you excited to tell them your stories and life experiences? Is he/she interesting to you? Does conversation run dry? Do you share the same life goals? Do you laugh together?
Focus on your time together and whether it was an enjoyable experience or not. Compatibility is an even bigger battle than attraction. Physical attraction is important, but compatibility speaks to a core complementarity between a couple. You may find your attraction grow as you realize how much you enjoy your time together.
4. Be honest and kind with yourself.
At the end of the day, attraction isn’t something you can control. It’s either there or it’s not. It can grow over the course of a couple dates, but it’s not fair to either party to force or drag out. If you’re simply not attracted and you don't foresee ever being attracted, you’re not a bad person for not being interested in a relationship! When attraction is totally missing from the equation, cut both of your losses sooner rather than later.
Ultimately, you should be attracted to your spouse. God calls us to happy, fruitful marriages, and attraction and compatibility are two crucial elements. The key is finding balance between the two, rather than an extreme of one or the other.
It may take a handful of first dates, but when you find someone you're both attracted to and compatible with, you'll be glad you gave online dating (profile pictures and all) a chance.
