Unhelpful Phrases to Let Go of in Your Dating Life

Let's take some time to reflect as this year comes to a close.

One of my favorite poets is a woman named Mary Oliver. I often see her words quoted on Instagram or people sharing her thoughts and perspectives. One of her most famous quotes is, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I find words like these to be a reassuring presence, especially in light of what 2020 has felt and looked like sometimes.

One of the things I have found in my own life, is that part of living my “wild and precious life” is about letting go of unhealthy phrases or sayings that do not enhance my life or build me up. The negative words we sometimes speak over ourselves do more hurt to us than we may realize.

I cannot do this.

This is too hard.

My heart will never heal.

I am not strong enough.

It is too difficult to forgive this person.

I will never meet my life partner.

The grief will be too much for me to handle.

Maybe your phrases are different or similar to mine. The point is we know there is a lot of power in our words: both the ones we say to ourselves and the ones we speak to other people.

As 2020 draws to a close and we head into 2021, let us take time to evaluate and see if there are any unhelpful phrases to let go of when it comes to our dating lives and experience.

"Online dating doesn’t work for me."

Maybe you have felt this or have friends in your life who express this from their experience. Online dating can work, but I think we have to make it work for us. Here are some questions to think about: Do I set dating goals for myself? Do I have a dating plan, where I set both internal and external goals?  Do I show up consistently on the online platforms or dating apps I am using? Am I regularly sending a first time message or reading new profiles? These are just a few ways we can show up to make it work for us.

Now I am not saying because you try online dating you’re guaranteed to meet your life partner, but online dating does take time, focus, and dedication. Think of it like training for a marathon. You cannot do a 20-mile run on day 3: you have to build up to it.

Constantly telling yourself online dating never works will only reinforce that belief. Try to replace that limiting belief with the opposite. All you can do is your best; live a full life and keep showing up.

"I will never meet someone!"

The words and messages we continually tell ourselves sometimes turn out true because we have reinforced it in our sub-conscious. If you are constantly negative and telling yourself, “It will never happen. I am never going to meet someone,” then you actually project that negative energy into your future.

The messages and lies we tell ourselves, sometimes we start to believe them. If you believe you will never meet someone, you project that energy into the future, which in turn, affects your mindset.

"I've had bad experiences with online dating..."

It just comes with the territory: you are bound to have some bad experiences with online dating. Do not allow the bad experiences shape your view or color your lens.

A friend gave me this piece of advice once when I was bemoaning my own frustrations with online dating. She said, “Patty, online dating used to suck until one day it didn’t anymore.” Anything can change in an instant. While it feels like your negative experiences have colored your perspective when it comes to online dating, do your best to set them aside.

Be open. Show up and let yourself be surprised.

"My ex hurt me, so I'll never trust someone again!"

On some level, it is normal to compare past relationships or current ones against each other. However, it can create an unhealthy game of comparison in ways that are not good for you or a potential relationship. Stop focusing your mental and emotional energy on your ex and instead focus on the future you would like to have.

It is natural to reflect upon the gifts, insights, or things you did not like about a previous relationship. However, do not get stuck in a comparison game with an ex and potential new matches. Learn what you need to from past relationships but then move on. Focus on the future you desire to have with the right person while knowing what are your needs and wants in that relationship.

"Dating is too frustrating and difficult!"

Just because something feels hard or frustrating at times is not necessarily a reason to not do it. Can online dating feel frustrating and even difficult at times? Absolutely! However, that does not necessarily mean it will always be that way. Friends of mine who met their spouse online have encouraged me that sometimes it takes time (with lots of patience!). Read some of the many unique stories of other couples who have found love and marriage here on Catholic Match! Honestly, reading those from time to time encourages me right where I am; even it is not necessarily where I want to be.

If you are in a season of online dating that feels hard or difficult, acknowledge and name how you honestly feel about it. However, at the same time, stick with it.

Do some of these phrases resonate with your own dating experience? Are there any missing you feel would be important to add?

Let’s throw away limiting self-talk when it comes to dating in 2021!