Why Don't Marriages Last Anymore?

My best conversations always happen at unexpected moments. Case in point, I was on my way to the bathroom at a family wedding when one of the groomsmen stopped me. He was aware that I worked for the Catholic Church in marriage ministry (one of the relatives snitched on me) and he had a question for me. But first, he had to tell me his story.

He shared that he had been a serial monogamist for years until he met 'the one.' He and his lady had been dating for nearly six months and he was feeling an urge to make this relationship permanent. Sadly, he came from a home where his parents had divorced and several of his aunts and uncles had done the same. In his world, marriage ended when conflict began. This made him very leery about the permanence of marriage. So he asked, "Why don't marriages last anymore?"

What are the elements of a Catholic marriage?

Instead of proceeding to the ladies room, I stood there, hoping I could share the right words in the right way. I began with an abbreviated version of the Catholic Church's definition of marriage that laid out the elements of a marriage covenant. (You know—faithfulness, permanence, exclusivity, openness to life...) Then, I explained the reality that married life isn't perfect. It is messy, difficult and often painful. Yet, through it all, marriage still expresses the height of human love and it does so not despite the hardships, but often because of them.

He didn't walk away at this point—so I carried on.

Marriage goes beyond I love you. A covenant marriage says, “I love you so much, I want to commit the rest of my life to you and raise a family together.” The Church teaches us that one of the essential elements of sacramental marriage is that the bond that God forges through the sacrament is a permanent bond, lasting until the death of one of the spouses. The true meaning of unconditional love speaks through this lifelong commitment.

Even when things get difficult, even when it’s painful, the bond of marriage says, “I love you” through it all.

Marriage permanence guarantees suffering, because life has suffering.

This is where he stiffened. I could almost read his thoughts formed by the culture's hedonistic aversion to pain. This young man was trying to cope with the idea that suffering may actually have value and that is shouldn't be avoided at all costs—especially because it is inevitable in a lifelong marriage.

He commented that he never thought about it like that before. He was beginning to realize that his concept of a marriage vow was more like what he learned in television and movies when marriage vows are changed from “ . . . ‘til death do you part” to “. . . as long as love shall last.” He admitted that he didn't want this. He didn't want a relationship that made him feel good. Rather he wanted a different kind of love—a deeper version.

You aren't suffering alone, but with your beloved.

That's when I asked him to consider that a real vow within marriage says, “No matter what may come, no matter how difficult things get, I’m in this with you and I will love you through it all. I'm all in on this.”

He nodded in agreement. THAT is the vow he wanted to make to the woman he was with. Nothing less than that for him.

With a smile, I shared that the permanence of marriage is part and parcel of the “total gift of self” that defines married love. Spouses not only give all of themselves to each other, they give each other their entire lives.

"Thanks for the conversation," he said. "I really needed to hear that and something told me you would give it to me straight." With that, he returned to the reception, and I scurried off to the bathroom.

Hard facts about the permanence of marriage:

I really hope that you are ready to witness to the permanence of marriage at a moment's notice. Just keep these points in mind when you are stopped at an unexpected moment.

• God has also gives us the permanence of marriage for some very practical reasons. The permanent nature of marriage offers the security and time needed to forge deep human relationships. It also offers the much-needed security that children need to feel safe, loved, and valued. Our culture tries to shrug off the consequences of divorce on children, but in addition to the guilt and stress caused by divorce, children lose the environment of security and love that marriage offers.
• We don’t live in a perfect world. The Church recognizes that—and of course God is not surprised by human sin and weakness. Couples will struggle and battle it out when conflicts happen. Yet, couples who work through difficulties in their marriage are happier in the long-run than couples who divorce when things get difficult. Studies confirm this.
• Even in this throw away culture, permanence of marriage isn’t just a pie-in-the-sky ideal. It may not be easy, but it is possible; and it is a blessing that God calls us to.