I Searched For A Mother All My Life

"If you knew how great is a mother's love," Wendy told them triumphantly, "you would have no fear." She had now come to the part that Peter hated…when Wendy finished he uttered a hollow groan.

"What is it, Peter?" she cried, running to him, thinking he was ill. She felt him solicitously, lower down than his chest. "Where is it, Peter?"

"It isn't that kind of pain," Peter replied darkly.

"Then what kind is it?"

"Wendy, you are wrong about mothers.

- an excerpt from Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

A lost child without a mother...

In many ways, I am a lost child. Even as an adult, I long for a mother who can see me and soothe me, someone whose love I could rely. And yet, much of the time, I feel like a doubtful, motherless, Peter Pan in a world full of Wendys who are confident about a love I never was allowed to experience.

For understandable reasons, lost children grown up often shy away from the very relationships that can potentially offer the most growth and healing. Even with holy and perfect parental examples to turn to, it is hard the shake the negative effects of human parental abuse and neglect.

While there are no easy answers to fill the void of fundamental loss, leaning in to holy love can point the way toward love on earth. Upon hearing of Wendy’s perfect mother, the Lost Boys were filled with hope and wanted to go see her. Even Peter Pan got to meet her, and in fact, discovered he knew her all along.

For too long, I held onto the guilt and shame I felt about lacking a mother who was capable of loving me.

I saw it as a personal flaw, not a failure on her part, that I could not be good enough for her. I tried to be perfect to win her love and attention, but alas, I failed to achieve both. For a long time, I stayed silent about the pain of lacking a good mother because I had absorbed all the negative messages that there must be something wrong with me for saying such a horrible thing my own mother, even when it was the truth.

When I became a mother myself, I panicked. What kind of mother would I be? As much as I wanted to create a safe and nurturing experience for my daughter, I feared I lacked the necessary tools. I felt caught in between two worlds- a nightmarish past, and an anxious future.

Mary: The mother I'd been longing for all my life.

Enter Mary. I was pregnant with my second daughter and going through an RCIA program when I discovered her. I had been a non-denominational Christian for about seven years, where I learned all about Jesus, the friend, and God, the father, but still hadn’t been fully introduced to Mary, the perfect, loving mother whom I had always longed for.

Better than any human mother, Mary’s soothing example is just what I need to cling to when feeling doubt and worry. Through Mary, I can finally bear witness to Wendy’s perspective. A mother’s love is great.