How to Navigate Spiritual Differences in Marriage

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Years ago, I was proud of a few boxes I checked off my list: meet and fall in love with a good Catholic man, date until ready for marriage, and become one in Holy Matrimony. My husband and I were compatible from the start and we felt in sync (enough) spiritually while dating.

A lifelong Catholic, I knew that the sacrament would make the two of us one and I was eager to do just that. I mistakenly thought it would be easy. I didn’t expect the newlywed phase to ring in health problems for myself, nor did I foresee it causing a rift in our spiritual life together.

First came love, then came mono...

Two months into marriage, while in peak physical form at age 22, I became very ill with mononucleosis. On top of that, I started having chronic bladder infections. I felt like I was falling apart and that my husband proposed to one girl but married another.

I spent many of our newlywed days in a literal fever, then dripping what felt like pounds of sweat onto our newly-shared bed when the fever would finally break. It took the better part of a year to recover from it.

And almost one year to the day, I relapsed. I fainted at the doctor’s office when they confirmed it.

My illness prevented me from going to Mass, until we slowly stopped going altogether.

The illness prevented me from attending Mass during acute phases. Then my husband would stay home with me. Then somehow it quietly transformed into us not regularly practicing the faith.

We both ducked any kind of spiritual accountability and eventually it became a stressful topic when discussed. I longed to be in communion with our Church, to be in spiritual union with my husband, and for us to be able to lead our soon-to-follow children in a life of faith.

I told God of my desire for conversion but that it felt impossible to return. I told Him of a fear I could not shake—fear of saying yes to changing my heart even if my husband was not ready to do the same. God worked in mighty though interior ways to lead me back to Him, but I had to make the decision to say yes, alone.

Trusting in God’s timing revealed His great mercy and love as I found my way back to the Church.

While grateful to feel the Father’s invitation, I was sad at the spiritual distance between my husband and me. I felt like I was leaving him behind to pursue the Lord by myself. I finally decided to jump in and over lots of time, great resources, and a renewed prayer life, my interior life took shape again and I came back up for air in the Church.

By the grace of God (and through hours of Catholic radio), we are participating in the sacraments again and are teaching our 3 children about our faith and the love of God. So, did we miss something when we got married? Was it naive to think that becoming one would automatically take care of everything? Here are a few noteworthy takeaways.

Four Things I Wish I’d Realized Years Ago

1. We did become one through Holy Matrimony, and the grace to overcome obstacles in marriage is very real.

It is our responsibility to cooperate with it. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “This grace…is intended to perfect a couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children” (CCC 1641).

If you’re married and struggling spiritually, acknowledge and welcome the special grace you’ve been freely given and allow it to heal and transform your hearts.

2. We did not nurture our distinct spiritualities, and should have.

Had we been more disciplined in our preferred styles for connecting with God, we might have benefited from the other’s unique spirituality and fruits from prayer. My husband strikes me as a Dominican-Franciscan mix (he loves study and service) while I’m Carmelite all the way (can I just get a few minutes of silence to retreat into my soul, please?).

Paying attention to these inclinations in our early 20s might have helped us to “grow up” together with fewer growing pains.

3. Pursuing the Lord and going deeper into my spiritual life did not mean I was abandoning my husband—in fact, quite the opposite!

As stated by Pope Paul VI in Gaudium Et Spes,

“By virtue of this sacrament, as spouses fulfill their conjugal and family obligation, they are penetrated with the spirit of Christ, which suffuses their whole lives with faith, hope and charity. Thus they increasingly advance the perfection of their own personalities, as well as their mutual sanctification, and hence contribute jointly to the glory of God.” (Gaudium Et Spes, 48).

Union with God is always good, so we can let go of fear and leave the rest to Him. In Holy Matrimony, choosing Christ is ultimately choosing the best for our spouse.

4. Praying as a couple is incredibly important— and if you’re like us, it can be a tough habit to form.

I am not writing this from the “other side” of this issue, because we still struggle with it. But, it’s best to keep it simple and make it convenient. I tend to think you can’t go wrong with the Lord’s Prayer, given to us directly from Christ. Or maybe there is an intention that motivates you to ask for God’s help together.

If you’re a tech sort of couple, maybe downloading an app with The Liturgy of the Hours and picking a time of day to both pray it is a good way to go. The options are almost endless. This is a form of vulnerability and intimacy that God calls spouses to embrace.

All we have to do is to look to the Holy Family as evidence that saying yes to God’s unique calling for each of us always points to Jesus—and in that case, everyone wins.

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