Marriage Only Works When You Let Other People Interfere

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. - The Princess Bride

In other words, marriage is the foundation and building block of society, it’s the beginning of the domestic church, it’s the way life is propagated. It’s what brings us, the big collective us, together. And in my first three years of marriage, I’ve learned that marriage is at its most successful when other people are involved in it—when we’ve let it include a bigger, collective “us.”

But isn't a marriage just between two people? Yes, but...

I used to think that marriage was between one man and woman full stop. There were the two of us, against the world, facing every obstacle, a united team. And we are totally are! Together, my husband and I have faced multiple moves, building new friends, quitting jobs and starting new ones, the loss of a baby, and the birth of another one. Our marriage is a partnership and there’s nothing more important to me than standing beside my husband every day and facing life together. Our son requires it of us, others expect it, and God commands it.

But when I reflect on when our marriage has been its strongest, it hasn’t been when Lewis and I have been an island or protected our relationship from interference. It’s precisely when it’s been interfered with that it’s been the best! At first, I was reluctant to let anyone else into our private, secret, personal space. It’s sacred, our marriage. How could anyone else be involved?

It was never just the two of us in the first place! There are always three to get married.

Well, of course, from day one, it was never just me and Lewis. It was always me, Lewis, and God.

There has always been someone else involved and interfering in our relationship. He’s the third leg of the tripod that holds this whole blessed institution up. And of course, as every Catholic knows, there wouldn’t be a marriage without Him. It would just be a union, or a legal agreement, or an official joining of bank accounts.

His involvement elevates our relationship to something more than it would be without Him. Christ transforms us, and it, into something sacramental and it touches the divine. It must involve Him.

And for many people, it also involves children, who happily interfere in their marriage.

It also, in our case, involve children. Another small person who is totally involved, in the middle of, and complicating our relationship.

Children aren’t a requirement of marriage (just being open to them is), but as we are able to have children, our marriage has to have them too. And having children is the natural extension of our marriage. They are the supreme gift of our marriage, says the Catechism, our crowning glory.

So we absolutely have to let our son, and any other children we may have, be a part of our marriage. Having a child has changed who we are and what our marriage is like—so he’s a part of it. While it doesn’t involve him explicitly (it’ll always just be the two of us, of course, and we are sure to prioritize each other over children), he changes the nature of the way we love each other and the shape of our marriage.

But even apart from children, other people should be involved in your marriage.

And even if we weren’t able to have children, other people would, and should, be a part of our marriage. Our families contribute to it, through their advice and suggestions, or even just modeling their own marriages. There have been many moments in our life and marriage that have felt stagnant, stretched, or even just dry. I know this happens to everyone (because that’s just how life is sometimes!).

In these moments, instead of thinking, “There’s something wrong with our marriage!” we reach out to other married couples and hear, “That happens to us too. It’s just a phase.” Other times, our relationship just feels off; you don’t feel in love. Or he’s annoying me. Or I’m complaining.

And the best balm in those moments is to have friends over for dinner—to take the focus off ourselves and love other people, let ourselves be loved by them. That is, to involve others in our family life and relationship.

Because being married is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, you can't do it alone. So start involving people in your dating life right now!

Marriage is hard work. And often, it’s so hard that you can’t do it alone. There’s no way to just grit through every problem, every obstacle.

At minimum, we need God’s interference and to be a part of our marriage. But as every married person knows, we need each other and the help of our families and friends. Even though theologically we are one, humanely, Lewis cannot be all things to me and I can’t provide everything he needs either. We need other people in our lives, in our marriage, to help us and encourage us so that we can go back to our marriage, our foundation and keep helping each other become saints.

It’s very tempting when you’re dating someone, especially if the relationship is new, to insulate your relationship and yourself and keep your love to yourselves. But speaking from the other side, I want to challenge you to let other people in! Let God into your relationship and develop a prayer life together. Let your family and friends experience your love—let it spill out into the world and invite others into your lives. Allow yourself to still spend time with the friends you had when you were single.

And if you are single, know that the friendships you have now will, and should, still be a part of your married life one day. So nourish them! Let yourself be vulnerable and known by others, so that one day, if you are called to marriage, you will be able to invite others into that intimate relationship too. After all, no one gets to heaven alone.

Editor’s Note: We are in the middle of Catholic Marriage Week, an important part of National Marriage Week! We will be publishing posts that celebrate the beauty of marriage from now until February 14th. Stay tuned!