6 Ways to Set Your Future Marriage up for Success
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Thinking about getting engaged?
Or, maybe you're not sure if marriage is the right choice for your future?
Here are my six simple ways to set your future marriage up for success that will (hopefully!) help put your mind at ease about getting married some day.
But, first, let's talk a little bit about marriage in general...
Marriage has been around for thousands of years. The earliest records of a marriage ceremony uniting a man and a woman date back to 2350 B.C., although historians agree that the tradition of marriage dates back further than recorded history.
When it comes to such an age-old tradition, you would assume that people understand exactly what marriage is and why it is so important for our society. However, cultural and legal views of marriage are shifting in Western society. Many people today do not care about setting their future marriage up for success, but instead, view marriage as nothing more than a legal relationship between two parties. In some extreme cases: a way to get a break on taxes or expedite legal citizenship.
Many young people—millennials and Gen Z’ers—see marriage as a financial burden or risk rather than an asset. A culture of divorce has swept through Western civilization in the last several decades, leaving behind broken families and children jaded against the idea of marriage in its wake.
With record high divorce rates in the United States and a culture that becomes increasingly more accepting towards premarital cohabitation and child rearing out of wedlock, mindsets about marriage and family life are shifting. People, even devout Catholics, are beginning to question the institution of marriage and ask the question: why should we even bother with marriage?
While we cannot change the past, we need to work together to fight against the culture of divorce and find success in marriage.
1. Understand Marriage from a Catholic Perspective
Marriage is a sacred covenant that a couple makes between themselves and God. Like Baptism or Holy Communion, the Rite of Marriage is a sacred tradition within the Catholic Church.
One of the many things that makes marriage a special and exceptionally beautiful sacrament is that it is the only sacrament which a person facilitates themself. Unlike Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation, Reconciliation, Anointing of the Sick, or Holy Orders, which are all facilitated by an ordained priest, the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony requires that the couple make a vow directly before God to stay committed to each other for the rest of their lives. The priest presides over the ceremony, but the couple marrying each other are the ones directly communicating with our Lord.
Because marriage is a covenant, it is more permanent than a contract. The USCCB states, “The marriage covenant refers to the relationship between the husband and wife, a permanent union of persons capable of knowing and loving each other and God.” In a Catholic marriage, you must always strive to give everything you have to your marriage and put God first. Possessing a thorough understanding of what Catholic marriage entails will set your future marriage up for success.
2. Date with a Purpose
Our culture’s rejection of marriage as a sacred or meaningful ritual has had unintended and negative consequences for the dating culture. It is becoming exceptionally harder for young people to date, according to a 2019 study by Pew Research Center. A lack of genuine communication, fear of or lack of desire for commitment, too many choices, and pressure of sex are all reasons why dating has become so difficult for young people to find stable relationships in this decade.
When you are dating, be upfront about your beliefs, desires, and expectations. CatholicMatch does the hard work for you; as we fill out our dating profiles, we are asked whether we accept seven matters of church doctrine: Eucharist, contraception, papal infallibility, sanctity of life, premarital abstinence, Immaculate Conception, and Holy Orders. You are also asked about your political beliefs, your family life, and how big of a family you want to have in the future. With the “brass tacks” of religious, political and lifestyle compatibility out of the way, you can jump right into getting to know each other more personally.
Know your own worth and have the confidence to set high expectations for your partner’s behavior and beliefs. Do not settle for somebody whose life goals do not match with your own. If you want to set your future marriage up for success you need to find a partner who you can work together with to achieve common goals.
3. Learn Theology of the Body
Many of the couples who share their CatholicMatch success stories have told us that learning the Theology of the Body brought peace and security to their relationships.
Saint John Paul II wrote Theology of the Body beginning in 1979, amid the sexual revolution and the divorce revolution of the 60s and 70s. The Theology of the Body includes 129 separate addresses given by Saint John Paul II during his papacy, reflecting on the remarks of Christ pertaining to marriage, adultery, the resurrection of the body in relation to celibacy, virginity, marriage, and contraception.
The Theology of the Body takes the instructions of the Bible and Jesus Christ regarding sexuality and marriage and translates it into modern, real-world advice that we can apply to our relationships in the 21st century. Learning the Theology of the Body will liberate you from sexual sin, pornography addiction, and other harmful practices that negatively impact your relationships. The reverence for yourself and your partner’s body that you will learn will set your future marriage up for success both in and outside of the bedroom.
FOCUS has created a six-part Bible Study on Theology of the Body which you and your partner can complete together. You can also look at your local parish or diocese website for Theology of the Body workshops to attend in person or online.
4. Attend Mass as a Couple
Nurturing your own spiritual health, as well as your partner’s, by attending Mass together frequently will set your future marriage up for success. Research has shown that couples who frequently attend religious services together report happiness levels 17% higher than those who do not.
This is because attending Mass together as a couple creates an intimate spiritual bond between yourself and your partner. It also helps you to create a network of friends at church who share your faith, values, and family-oriented lifestyle.
Attending Mass together each week also reminds you that God directs your lives, and you are not living just for yourself. The spiritual guidance you receive through prayer, reconciliation, and active participation in the Mass will help you to deal with the stresses of everyday life—stresses that could inadvertently put a strain on your marriage. Having a healthy coping mechanism for these stresses relieves the burden on your marriage and sets your marriage up for success.
5. Pray Together
Praying for your marriage promotes emotional intimacy between you and your partner. While you communicate with God through prayer, you also communicate to each other. In prayer, we have an opportunity to show gratitude, love, joy, thoughtfulness, worry, and pain. Couples' prayer allows us to celebrate the joys together as well as overcome past hurts.
Prayer also connects you directly with God and gives you the opportunity to share your deepest thoughts, stresses, and joys. The Bible states, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matt. 18:20) Therefore, couples’ prayer brings the Holy Spirit directly into your marriage and gives you extra grace.
6. Avoid Living Together Before Marriage
It is best to avoid premarital cohabitation if you want to set your future marriage up for success. Despite great efforts to undermine or disprove this fact, researchers have found it is still true that cohabitation before marriage leads to higher rates of divorce. As the Theology of the Body teaches us, we must have reverence for our own bodies and the body of our partner.
This means abstaining from sex before marriage, both out of respect for your partner’s humanity and in honor of the great commitment that is Holy Matrimony.
St. Alphonsus Di Liguori wrote, “Now, when a dangerous occasion is present, it violently excites our corrupt desires, so that it is then very difficult to resist them: because God withholds efficacious helps from those who voluntarily expose themselves to the occasion of sin.”
Set Your Future Marriage Up for Success…Starting Now!
Marriage is a rewarding and fruitful vocation for those who are called to it. The most crucial step that you must take to set your future marriage up for success is to understand your own desires and aspirations. Pray to God to see if marriage is the right vocation for you and your partner.
Prayer for Marriage & Family by St. John Paul II:
Lord God, from you every family in heaven and on earth takes its name.
Father, you are Love and Life.
Through your Son, Jesus Christ, born of woman, and through the Holy Spirit, fountain of divine charity, grant that every family on earth may become for each successive generation a true shrine of life and love.
Grant that your grace may guide the thoughts and actions of husbands and wives for the good of their families and of all the families in the world.
Grant that the young may find in the family solid support for their human dignity and for their growth in truth and love.
Grant that love, strengthened by the grace of the sacrament of marriage, may prove mightier than all the weakness and trials through which our families sometimes pass.
Through the intercession of the Holy Family of Nazareth, grant that the Church may fruitfully carry out her worldwide mission in the family and through the family.
Through Christ our Lord, who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life for ever and ever.
Amen.
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