How Can Good People Be So Wrong?

It began a week ago with an email from a deacon preparing a couple for marriage.

The couple did not want to take the Natural Family Planning Education Course which is a requirement in our diocese. He wanted to know if I would call them and explain the requirement. "Of course," I answered.

When the bride-to-be answered the phone, she was already on the defensive. "Why do I have to take this course. I'm already tracking my cycle on an app. I know what to expect. There is nothing more for me to learn." I could tell that my disarming tactics were about to be stretched to the max.

After listening to her rationale, I offered a few thoughts for her to contemplate. Things like: the course will allow your fiancé to learn more about your cycle and give you opportunities to talk about couple fertility; the course will provide more than just a tracking system for your period and the number of days between bleeds; the course includes information on how to deal with times of abstinence; the course comes with a lifetime of professional feedback and follow-up from a certified instructor...

The only thing she seemed to hear was the course-the course-the course—and that irritated her. In her mind, she was NOT going to take the course. Thankfully, she was civil when she repeated her demand. And she agreed to discuss it further with her husband-to-be. She said she would call me back.

How can "good people" be so wrong and hard-hearted?

In the middle of the weekend, my phone rang. It was my bride-to-be. But this time, she was on speaker with her fiancé. Like her, he was very professional as he delivered the same message; they were not taking the course. But, his rationale was different.

He wanted me to know that they were very good people. They had both been raised Catholic. And, they were getting married in the Church. They were socially just. They were environmentally friendly. They were intelligent, hard working, and reasonable. In their mind, all of this added up to a pass out of the course.

As they continued to make their case—good people shouldn't have to take the NFP requirement—I found myself asking, "How can good people be so wrong?"

When it was (finally) my time to talk, I asked them a clarify their point that good people (like themselves) should be allowed an exemption. This is when the wheels came off their argument bus. All they could offer was a better than average involvement in Catholicism (fairly consistent Mass attendance) and that they were college educated.

I expressed my delight that they went to Mass and had completed professional degrees. Then I commented that there are many church goers with advanced degrees who are humble enough to know they have more to learn to about the Church and the beauty of human sexuality.

I told them charitably what they didn't want to hear. And they still refused to hear it.

Silence...

While they agreed with this, they remained unshaken. The course is not an option. If we made them take the course, they would consider walking away from the Church.

Impasse...

It was baffling to think that these good people were threatening to throw a sacramental marriage away over one request. But that is exactly what they were preparing to do.

With great charity, I shared that walking away was their decision and that it was it was one that I would never want them to make. They said they didn't want it to come down to that. Yet, they wanted me to know how firm they were in their decision.

I affirmed my understanding of their request. Still, I asked them to reflect upon the benefits of the requirement: shared education that complies with HIPAA regulations, certified instructors, fertility management support, lifetime feedback and follow-up. We even talked about the possibility of delaying the course until after their marriage if that would make it easier for them.

It took great effort to end our conversation on a positive and supportive note. I asked them to give it a few days. Think about it. Pray about it. Talk with the Deacon. Then make the decision.

And, now I wait.

When we meet good couples who do good Catholic things but oppose a requirement of marriage prep we must remember the following:

• Consider each situation case by case. Learn the merits (and demerits) of each circumstance.
• Tailor your pastoral approach accordingly. Treat them uniquely. Receive them as fully as possible.
• Share the truth—even though they may not want to hear it.  Ask for their insight.
• Never close the door to more interaction.
• Follow-up. IF they walk away, follow them. Do your best to bring them back. Continue to relate.

As of right now, I am not sure how this one will turn out. Here's what I know. Over the next few days, I will think about them. Pray for them. And talk with their Deacon. My goal is to avert a very wrong decision by persevering to reveal the best that God has for them to them.