Am I Betraying My Late Spouse If I Marry Again?

You have had a wonderful long marriage.

Then death steals away your beloved spouse, and the loss is a heart-wrenching gut punch that catapults you into the land of grief and heartache.

But life goes on—ever so slowly. You soon realize that time doesn’t heal the pain, but the passing months and years allow distance to soften the rawness of your grief. Before long, friends ask, “Have you thought about dating again?”

After my own wife passed away, my response to such a question was always a shake of the head. The very idea of having another woman in my life was inconceivable to me.

I lost my high school sweetheart and the mother of my five children to cancer when we were just 59. Approaching retirement a few years later, I found myself keenly aware that life had taken an unexpected turn. My beloved and I had discussed retirement, planned for it, anxiously awaited the arrival of grandchildren, and dreamed of where we might travel.

But now, the prospect of retiring alone had dampened my spirits. The world, it seemed, was about to get even lonelier.

Yet, my faith sustained me, and it will sustain you as well if you give it a chance.

I chose to wake up each morning with a purpose. I started each day with a daily devotional and a strong desire to live each day in a way that honored the Lord.

I found contentment in volunteering in various ministries, babysitting my growing horde of grandchildren, and, yes, getting in an occasional round of golf.

But, at the same time, I knew that The Lord might just be calling me for more.

Still, I resisted any idea of seeking a new relationship...if this is where you find yourself, keep reading!

The idea of dating again scared the #$@%& out of me. 

The last time I kissed someone other than my wife, LBJ was President. Dating in my 60s was far different from dating as a teenager. Besides, who would want to date an overweight, balding sixty-something?

My daughters convinced me otherwise. “Dad, you have no idea. You are a nice guy, and there are not enough nice guys in this world. Go ahead and get out there. You have our blessing.”

Yet, the prospect of being romantically involved with someone other than my late wife was a troubling thought. How could I love someone else when I was still in love with her? Is it possible to fall in love again? Worse, if Cupid’s arrow struck again, would I be betraying my late wife?

It was so confusing.

For years, I ignored even the idea of another romance. I told myself I did not need to be married to be content. Though that was a true statement, I wondered if I was using it as an excuse to avoid facing the REAL issue—a fear that falling in love again would be an act of betrayal of my late wife.

Years before she died, we had a candid conversation about death. She had graciously shared that should she die first, it was okay with her if I married again. I expressed shock at even the thought of it. She laughed, explaining that men needed someone to look after them, and if she wasn’t around, someone else would have to do it. Despite the you-know-I’m-right grin on her face, I quickly changed the subject.

I recalled that conversation a decade later when I decided to join CatholicMatch. Though grateful that her words helped ease any guilty feelings, I still found it hard to move on. I feared change. I feared starting a new relationship. I feared the emotions a new love would bring.

So, what changed my mind?

Without any doubt, I knew that my late wife would want me to be happy. Her love desired the best for me, and if that meant a new relationship late in my life after she was gone, I felt I had her blessing.

I found encouragement in reading articles on CatholicMatch about other widowed spouses and how they dealt with engaging in new relationships. I smiled, knowing that the man, husband, and father I had become was primarily due to having a 38-year marriage to a Godly woman. With her blessing (and that of my children), I could confidently walk through the matrimonial door without fear, shame, or regret.

So, I did.

Getting married again doesn't betray your late spouse.

Far from being an act of betrayal, celebrating the Sacrament of Marriage (again) honors the “Holy” in Holy Matrimony.

It recognizes the blessing and grace that sacramental marriage provides. My late wife knew that. That’s why she could so lovingly encourage me to keep living, keep growing, and keep walking in faith. 

As I sought to follow the Lord and keep my eyes on Jesus, I found the freedom to move forward and be open to whatever direction He led me.

And, to my utter surprise, the Lord blessed me yet again with a wife who makes me want to be a better man.

If you find yourself at the crossroads of remaining single for the rest of your life or perhaps seeking a second chance at love...I encourage you to remain open to God's call.

You don't know what He has planned for the rest of your life, and you won't know unless you allow yourself to be open to whatever it may be!