3 Lessons Every Engaged Couple Should Know (From a Newlywed)

Dustin and his wife met on CatholicMatch and got married last year. 

To butcher a line from “Mere Christianity,” not every essay needs to be read. If you’ve been married for more than eight months, this piece will probably not have much wisdom that you haven’t already learned.

But for those couples preparing for marriage—who are in marriage preparation courses, meeting with their pastor, etc.—my seven months of marriage have set off a number of important lightbulbs. I’m not talking about fidelity, sexual abstinence until marriage, and how pro-life principles include being open to life during sexual intercourse—those are the basics of Christianity.

I’m talking about the secular basics of marriage to ensure a strong foundation for a lifetime together.

Below are three things which I think many engaged couples should, but often don’t, know.

1. Your Small Quirks, Flaws, and Foibles Aren’t So Small

It’s commonly said that marriage is a great way to eliminate selfishness—especially the kind of which you may not be aware.

As an example: while it may not be scientifically sound, I believe that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) hits me hard each year. As soon as the clocks go back, I struggle for weeks to have a positive attitude, stay disciplined with eating well and fitness, etc.

Last year, I noticed the change right away. I made sure to keep it as much to myself as I could, and regularly told my wife that the change had nothing to do with her.

In my mind, this took a modest flaw and turned it into a minor one. In her mind, she thought she was doing something wrong because my irritation and frustration spoke volumes more than the words I spoke. Thankfully, when we mentioned this to our priest, he had a great suggestion that has led to much improvement.

This example highlights the truth that when one is responsible for the happiness of a spouse: many “small” quirks, flaws, and foibles are anything but. In fact, they can be quite large.

Another example is my radical extrovertedness. People are my caffeine. This is neither a flaw or a foible; merely a quirk. Yet with an introverted spouse whose primary love language is quality time, I’ve skipped more planned social events in a few months than I normally would in multiple years.

Once married, every decision affects not only you, but your spouse too.

Heck, it’s only a bad mood or spending time with other people. What’s the big deal? Compared to people who commit adultery, I’m practically a saint!

But as C.S. Lewis pointed out in “Mere Christianity,” every decision opens a door to becoming an angel or a demon. Additionally, Christ says that those who say they will have their sins held against them. As a Christian spouse, I am especially held accountable for my wife’s journey to and with God.

Each decision I make will help me be a better or worse spouse—and person, and Christian. One doesn’t have to consider their small flaws, quirks, and foibles as larger after marriage. But I submit that spouses who are truly dedicated to their marriage will work to develop a hyper-awareness that leads them closer to each other, and to Christ.

2. The Truth About Sex

Hollywood lies. A lot. Sex is nothing like you see in the movies. For one thing, it’s a lot less glamorous. And unlike in pornography, neither of you is a practiced expert in the physical act.

Ironically, being abstinent because of your Christian faith likewise doesn’t guarantee “great sex.” Unmet expectations can be crushing. My wife and I were fortunate that we were open about our expectations. We communicated effectively, and walked into marriage with the expectation that we had no expectations—except to grow together.

I wish I’d known more about sex. Not what they show you in the movies, but real sex. I lost hours of sleep in the months leading up to our marriage because I was overthinking the whole process, especially the line between sexual desire and immorality. And in the end, sex didn’t match anything which I had seen on TV or in movies, or the analysis I had done.

It is important to mention that a lot of research has been done on the harm of pornography to couples. In addition to being a significant factor in many divorces, pornography often causes men to not be able to engage in intercourse. A real person doesn’t measure up to the action on the screen.

As someone who got away from pornography nearly a decade before marrying, I’m hyper-aware of its distorting realities. If you’re engaged and looking at porn even infrequently, I strongly encourage you to work with your significant other and your spiritual director to ensure you leave it behind. It’s definitely taken some discipline and grace to keep those distortions away from my mind—and I’m eight-plus years removed from the vast majority of the temptations.

3. Opportunity Cost—Put Each Other First

In addition to being an extrovert with lots of friends of both sexes, I’m a busybody. I have to be helping other people, even if sometimes my “help” is more self-gratification than actual assistance.

About two months prior to the wedding, my mother and I were talking about a difficult familial situation with which she was dealing. My mother—to whom I am very close—flat-out told me to stop getting so involved and to focus more on my upcoming marriage. “It’s biblical,” she reminded me.

This concerned me. How could I be a good son and friend if I didn’t involve myself in the lives of others? I’d rarely had trouble balancing multiple duties to work, friends, family, etc. before!

Well, God put me straight over the next two days. A powerful example from one married couple of putting each other first, and advice from my brother-in-law, provided tremendous perspective. Additionally, I had to make a decision about a valued friendship that by its nature would have distracted from the marriage. I needed to put my marriage above that friendship for our marriage to work. 

The friendship question was easy to answer thanks to my mother’s advice, offered literally the night before. A week earlier, I would have agonized over the decision. I probably would have egotistically tried to keep the friendship at the same level while moving toward marriage.

Instead, my mother’s advice made the path clear: my marriage comes first. As in business or the military, one decision leads to a reduction of resources available to make another one. In marriage, every decision that even infinitesimally separates you from your spouse is problematic—especially early on. Like any education, it’s best to set yourself up for success early and often.