Your Guide to Having Difficult Conversations

You were made to have relationships.

Relationships are a great, wonderful part of being human. We all need them as relational creatures.

There are many wonderful parts of being in a serious relationship. You have someone to do life with. You have a partner to walk alongside you; someone who will love and challenge you when needed. A person who will be with you through thick and thin, through the highs and lows of a relationship.

However, there comes a time in any relationship (even the best ones!) where you have to navigate and have difficult conversations together. For some of us, it may look like sharing openly about your past. For others it is navigating a painful breakup with tact and respect. Some of you may have to discuss things like lifestyle changes, moving, or how to handle differences in significant viewpoints.

I am no expert in this department. However, I have learned some helpful things in having difficult conversations from going to counseling and my own dating experiences.

We cannot avoid difficult conversations or uncomfortable feelings in relationships. Facing them honestly and head on will help you grow first as an individual, and then together as a couple.

Be honest and real.

Be honest, share your own truth. Do not walk on eggshells or sugarcoat what is really going on inside of you. Share your thoughts and feelings with honesty. Sometimes people are nervous to approach difficult conversations because it is uncomfortable or you cannot know how the outcome will look. It can feel scary, overwhelming, or even a bit anxiety-provoking.

It is okay to feel those things; they are just feelings and will not hurt you. However, if we stuff them down or ignore them, often they will come out in messy or wonky ways in your relationship.

Be brave and willing to have that hard conversation. Relationships with lasting power need to be able to navigate conflict well together, and whatever you need to bring up is giving you a real-life chance to practice this.

Use "feelings" words.

I have learned a lot about this practice through my own journey of going to counseling. When you are sharing to be known by your partner, try to use "feeling" words to describe your experience.

Here is what I mean.

I feel scared when you ______ because it makes me think I cannot trust you.

I felt hurt when you brushed off the bad day I had today because it made me think my pain did not matter.

In a difficult conversation, talking about how you feel is a way to express yourself without shaming or blaming your partner. It helps you take responsibility for your own perceptions and emotions.

It might sound odd at first to talk this way, but once you get the hang of it, it easily becomes second nature.

Listen so as to learn from the other.

One thing I have had to unlearn for myself is how ineffective a listener I sometimes could be. Several years ago, I had to acknowledge that sometimes I was not really a good listener. Rather, I was just waiting to make my next point or respond to whatever the other person had to say.

When you are the listener, listen to your partner to understand them better. Listen intently and fully to what they are saying, especially if you are having a difficult conversation together.

Do not try to convince the other of your point being right or truer or even the right solution. Listen to know the other. Reflect back to him or her so they know you have correctly understood where they are coming from.

Little tweaks like this not only help improve your communication as a couple, but also will be an extra tool in your relational toolbox for conversations that lay ahead.

Healthy intimacy is part of a good relationship. Learning to navigate difficult conversations as a couple will deepen your intimacy (into me you see!) and stretch your relationship muscles together.

How do you handle difficult conversations in a serious relationship?

What have you found most helpful in your experience?