What to Do When You Fail to Communicate In Your Relationship

Recently, I came across a conversation that made me laugh and reflect on how important communication is in any relationship; especially marriage.

I do not know the source of this particular anecdote, but it certainly illustrates the humor often found in the real-life differences between the sexes. Any resulting laughter may serve as validation that a significant life lesson is here for the learning.

Communication matters!

Let’s take a look at two same-day diary entries from a husband and his wife:

 Wife's Diary: Tonight, my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to eat out at a nice restaurant for dinner. I had been shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he was unusually quiet, making no comment at all. We didn’t talk much during dinner, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. I asked him what was wrong, hoping he would open up. He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. But he said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. Still feeling a bit guilty over my shopping trip, I told him I loved him as we drove home. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. Why didn't he say, “I love you, too”? When we got home, he remained distant, as if lost in another world. I felt as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He remained aloof. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt he was distracted, and his thoughts were elsewhere. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. What am I to do?

Husband's Diary: Today, I missed a two-foot putt! Who misses a two-foot putt?

Ever jump off the conclusion cliff only to learn you had made the wrong assumptions?

After reading these diary entries, my first response was to chuckle and recall that classic line from the movie Cool Hand Luke, “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.” No kidding.

Yet my second thought pondered the implied truism. Let’s face it men, we’d rather eat Brussels sprouts than share our feelings. At best, doing so undermines our masculinity; at worst, it makes us vulnerable — or at least that’s what most men believe. 

That sound you hear is the collective world of femininity shouting, "You got that right!"

Early in my marriage, I recall that my inability or unwillingness to share my thoughts and feelings was a source of incredible frustration for my wife. I soon learned, however, that human beings are constantly communicating. And if our spouses do not hear verbal feedback, they will resort to the only source they have — nonverbal feedback. So guys, what is your body language saying these days?

Ladies, correct me if I am wrong, but I suspect that when you read the conversation above, you shook your head up and down and said, “Amen to that.”  Unfortunately, I suspect most of the male species read the above and responded with, “Hey Buddy, there’s nothing funny about missing a two-foot putt.”

The fact is, I still miss too many short putts. But, over the years, I sought to be more transparent in my communications. To my utter surprise, not only was my masculinity never questioned, but such transparency, when communicated in truth and love, with a listening ear and compassionate heart, always helped my marriage grow. Intimacy flourished, and we were brought even closer together.

In other words, never take your marriage for granted.

Words are powerful. So, when you do express your feelings or thoughts, keep in mind they have the power to build up or tear down. In dating and marriage, they can encourage or humiliate your beloved, and such words can echo for years to come.  

Men, it is your choice as a husband whether you want your words and actions to bless your wife or abuse her. Learning to be a husband who blesses instead of curses is a key step toward a joyful union. But as the masculine gender is not known to naturally possess exceptional communication skills with the feminine gender, here are a few countdown-to-romance tips – some words and phrases to put in your communication toolbox. I call them the 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1, the most important words a husband can say to his wife. Read and heed.

#10 — “Let’s flip a coin, heads I’m yours, tails you’re mine.”

#9  — “You make me want to be a better man.”

#8 — “I love you just the way you are.”

#7 — “I'd like to know what you think.”

#6 — “What can I do to help?”

#5 — “Let me do the dishes.”

#4 — “You look beautiful tonight.”

#3 — “I love you.”

#2 — “Forgive me.”

#1 — “WOW!”

One of the greatest gifts you can give your wife (and your children, too, for that matter) are words of encouragement, affirmation, admiration, and gratitude. Communicating to your wife how proud you are of her, how much you still love her — unconditionally — and what an incredible woman she is can do more for her self-esteem, security, and self-confidence than anything else you can say and do. When she hears you say “Wow” and then sees the “Wow” look in your eyes, you will learn how to be a blessing to the most important person in your life. But be prepared. Such statements often lead to more conversations. And that’s a good thing.

But like those commercials on television, “Wait, there’s more.” Here’s a bonus. You have just read the list of the 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 most important words a husband can say to his wife. But is there a zero? Is there something special a husband can do without uttering a single word?  

Yes, there is.  Listen!

The author, Rachel Naomi Remen, said the following, 

“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.”   

In his book, The 21 Undeniable Secrets of Marriage, Dr. Allen Hunt describes how “Marriage is a garden, not a fruit stand.” Because I consider my wife my best friend, my confidante, and my partner in every sense of the word, we cultivate our relationship. We tend our garden through conversation, whether it be about our next vacation, dinner plans for the evening, or our daily struggles. As the husband, I tend our garden through words that bless and encourage. By developing a healthy relationship of transparency and openness, my wife and I can handle the tough conversations that come because we have mastered having the easy ones. 

And yes, after a round of golf, my wife always asks, “How did you do?” And I always respond with my score and a story about that great shot, the birdie I made, or lament the way-too-many double bogies — and missed putts.

Communicate, communicate, communicate, and misunderstandings will evaporate. Plus, your wife will be less likely to jump to the wrong conclusion in her diary.

Now, excuse me.  I need to go practice my putting.