How To Get a Date (Part 2: For Women)

In 2014, former Verily Magazine relationships editor Monica Gabriel (now Monica Marshall) spoke at a Theology on Tap in Washington, D.C. According to Marshall, men need to have the courage to ask women out, and women need to have the ability to say “yes” to dates with men.

I immediately asked Marshall out while she was on stage. While she didn’t follow her own advice—though, to be fair, I was (mostly) kidding—her point stood out. But how can women balance out saying “yes” with the need to be safe and the fact that so many men are unwilling to ask you out?

For many women, being asked out is scary, but there are things you can do to make it less so.

As a Catholic man, being “asked out” is not something I have much experience with. For good and ill, I was also never “pursued” much by the opposite sex in my pre-marriage life. What I can say from my own minimal experience with women “pursuing” me and my many conversations with women is that being asked out is scary for women.

This is true in both the physical sense—does the man have moral/safe intentions?—and from a charitable perspective. Rejection could cause emotional or other hurts to the man doing the asking.

So how can women offset some of these risks when engaging in online dating?

First, trust men to be adults. If they’re hurt by your kindly-phrased rejection, they really need to get over it. Life’s tough, gents. Grow some armor, trust God, and recognize that a woman can respect you as a person without wanting to be your romantic partner.

On the matter of physical safety, there are any number of approaches. Ensure the first date is in a public place. Meet him there. Get his full name and look him up on Facebook and Google. Engage in a couple of phone conversations to get an idea of his personality. Always know how to defend yourself. Tasers and martial arts training are great tools for self-defense.

Lastly, trust your instincts. I generally think that one’s gut instincts are a combination of experience and God’s subtle advice. If a man gives you a bad vibe, get away as fast as possible.

How can you get a guy to pay attention without becoming the pursuer?

Many Catholic women are uncomfortable pursuing a man. This makes sense. The Catholic tradition is one where men pursue women. And despite what anti-Christian feminism has said, women tend to want to date strong men. 

This is more of a problem in non-online dating efforts, I suspect. Looking at a guy’s profile can often be the reason he looks at yours, of course.

But I’d like to suggest a strategy here for women who are interested in a guy who isn’t pursuing them. It has nothing to do with wearing more makeup and looking more “sexy.”

First—again—many women abhor the idea of pursuing a man, but that doesn't mean you wait for him to initiate every point of contact. I remember one lady told me that despite her interest in a man at a house party, she was not going to initiate a conversation with him because if he didn’t want to pursue her, then it was his loss.

I pointed out that this was a house party with more than 50 people in attendance with little lighting, and that the guy was with his brother (who was visiting from out of town). Additionally, the woman is under five feet tall, and therefore harder-than-average to see in a crowd.

This was the first of many conversations that eventually led to the following recommendation to traditional Catholic women for whom pursuing a man is completely and 100% unacceptable: just give the guy an opportunity to become interested.

Help cultivate opportunities to meet and interact.

For example, a man might not be interested because he hasn’t seen you or conversed with you. Maybe he’s nervous, maybe he’s distracted, maybe he’s had a bad day. Maybe he’s an introvert who doesn’t know anyone at the event.

In response, a woman can say “hello” at the dessert or wine table at a dance. She can sit at the guy’s table at a young adult gathering and engage him in conversation. What she has done is provide the man the opportunity to become interested—as well as an opening for him to act if he becomes interested.

This may not always work. The guy may not pursue anything romantic. A woman must then reject what appears to be a common reaction—“he seemed interested but didn’t ask.” In actuality, he may have simply been friendly and decided to not ask. (This overreaction is common among men and women, regretfully. Sometimes, folks, someone’s just not interested—get over it. A friendly conversation and a genuine smile may just be what they are.)

When in doubt, add 20 percent.

Honestly, men are often clueless about women’s interest. This is in part because women generally don’t pursue men. It’s also because "women are from Venus and men are from Mars." Thus, because we speak different languages, interest that is obvious to a woman may go right past a man.

If you’re interested in a man and you have done all of the things you can think of to get his interest…add 20 percent. He’s not stupid, he may actually be interested, but he is just a man. Cut him some slack add 20 percent to your efforts.

And of course, this is a general rule. Some men may be more aware, and some may be less.

Don't worry that every first date will lead to marriage. So just say yes.

It’s a stereotype that Christian women overstate the importance of a first date. Regretfully, sometimes, it’s also a reality. Many are the men who ask a woman out after a casual conversation at a dance or at church, and many are the women who act weird about it.

For most men, a first date is the natural follow-up to a pleasant conversation with someone who they see as a potential spouse. It is usually just that simple. Yet many women retreat not because of a lack of interest or a concern for their physical safety, but because they haven’t prayed about it enough or some other such thing.

Women, please stop telling men this. A first or second date is often just a casual way to explore getting to know someone. Telling them that you’ve got to pray about it first is a great way to seem so uptight that a man is likely to run.

Jesus said to be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove. That applies to social situation such as dating. Prayer may have guided you to turn a man down, but you can simply tell him you’re not interested. Similarly, a first or second date isn’t a sign of love at first ask. Assuming that it is will likely to lead to heartbreak and/or the guy running away.