Dating Is Not the Job; It's the Interview

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A couple of years ago, I had the privilege of speaking at the first Australian Catholic Singles’ Conference. In Australia. Which was awesome.

During the course of that trip, I gave a talk to single adults on chastity and the Theology of the Body. Afterward, we had a question and answer session. I expected questions about sexual morality, and perhaps some challenges to the more controversial Church teachings.

What I got instead surprised me.  The questions, across the board, were all about dating.  And they were all very simple.  

“How do I ask a girl out?”

“What do I do if I have an opposite sex friend I’m starting to have feelings for?”

“What should I do on a date?”

I was surprised. 

I mean, my generation wasn’t exactly courtly, but we all somehow understood the fundamentals of the date. But this largely millennial audience seemed to have no legitimate clue how to even go about it.

Fast forward a few years, and I learn that I’m not the only one making this observation. Dr. Kerry Cronin of Boston College notices that her students are all experienced in the art of the hook-up, but that none of them know how to actually date. So she starts assigning them to ask each other out, and gives them specific instructions on how to go about it. Her talks on dating are wildly popular and attract standing-room-only crowds on campus.

And then they make a movie about it.

Have you seen “The Dating Project”?  It only played one night in theaters, but it’s available now for streaming, and here on DVD. It follows five single people of different ages, against the backdrop of Dr. Cronin’s dating classes.

It is fabulous.

One of the points in the movie that struck me was the idea of the “end” of dating.  Back in the day, dating had a goal—marriage. In my talks, I used to say that dating was “interviewing for the job of spouse.” That’s why the entire institution was invented.  It’s supposed to be a temporary activity, in a temporary state called “singleness,” to help people exit the state of singleness. This was universally agreed upon. 

Unfortunately, that idea has been completely lost.

What with marriage declining and the hook up culture escalating, nobody even seems to remember that dating is an activity with a goal. For the matter, nobody under 40 or so seems to remember much about the existence of dating at all.

And yet, they long for it. The young adults in my audiences, the singles in the movie—they want love.  They want real relationships, not hook-ups.  But they have no idea where to start.

As for me, I have several suggestions. 

First, come to the National Catholic Singles Conference in Minneapolis and hear my talk on “Dating in the Digital Age.”

Second, actually date.  Ask someone out—someone you have a romantic interest in. If no on like that has crossed your radar lately—well, that’s why God made CatholicMatch!  Get “out there” and meet people, either live or digitally.  As Dr. Phil once said, Mr. or Ms. Right isn’t just going to “stop by the sofa” to sweep you off your feet.  

And third, don’t fall into the culture’s trap. Date with the end in mind. Interview for the job of spouse. 

It is about finding a husband or a wife. If someone, no matter how lovely or wonderful, is clearly not a lifetime match for you, then that is not someone you date. Or continue to date.

Let’s bring back dating. Real dating.

Find Your Forever.

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