What to Do After the First Date?

In a recent blog post, “First Date Dilemma: To Go or Not To Go,” I posed the question: “What happens when a guy–who you are not romantically interested in–asks you on a date?”

Then I gave tips for going on the first date with someone you don’t immediately see any long-term potential with (Giving Them a Chance or Leading Them On?)

Now I want to talk about what happens after you go on that first date. First of all, congratulations to both of you! Odds are, your first date experience was probably not that bad as first dates go. You were prepared before you went out and had a nice time relationship building. Now that it is behind you, you are probably wondering where you should be going from here.

If you are not interested ... It could very well be that the person with whom you shared the date honestly was just trying to get to know you better and may send you a thank you text or email and that will be the end of the discussion. If that happens, you can both fondly look back on the experience as a nice time and a chance to work on your conversational skills.

If you had a good time ... If the person is truly interested, you will most likely be hearing from them soon after your first date. Before this happens, you need to make a decision if you want to go out on a second date. Ask yourself: Did you have a great time with this person, even if you didn’t expect to? Sometimes and without the slightest expectation, your date may turn into someone who suddenly has potential. (This is another reason I encourage accepting that first date—you really do have to be in a one-on-one situation to get the true impression of a person and their character.) Were you completely surprised to learn that you do, in fact, have many things in common and you spent most of your time laughing comfortably together? If your outlook has changed, perhaps it’s time to consider moving forward with date #2.

If you just want to be friends ... If you are sure that the only relationship you can see will be nothing more than friendship, you are going to need to have that difficult discussion. Think about how you want to convey this information. Is texting really a good way to have this conversation? Perhaps not, but a phone call might be too difficult. A well written email or Facebook message might be better. It gives both sides time to read and reflect before responding in hurt or anger.

I am a huge advocate of thinking and praying before speaking. Chances are, you will have a day or so to seriously consider what to say and how to say it, before you are faced with this conversation. Remember these are real people with real feelings, deserving of the time it might take for you to consider how best to talk with them about your own feelings. Keep in mind that this person may one day be someone else’s spouse. Be sure to highlight their good qualities while explaining gently but firmly that there is no future beyond friendship. Be mindful of not saying things you don’t mean just to make someone else feel better.

There are most likely many reasons why this isn’t the proper relationship for you without having to say, “I’m just not that into you.” You might realize that the timing isn’t right to begin a relationship right now. Perhaps there are other responsibilities like school or family obligations that won’t allow you to devote yourself the way you should to a new relationship. Or distance may be a factor.

This date can also be part of God’s plan to help teach you about yourself. Take the time to assess where you are and where you want to be going. It will help not only you, but anyone you might meet. Each person we meet has the chance to be God’s instrument in helping to get us where we are trying to go–even if he or she isn't the spouse that is going to help us get there.

So if you decided not to go out on date #2, how did you handle these difficult conversations?