It's Just Coffee ... Right?

It was the third time she had called me in the last 24 hours about what to wear.

"I've decided on dress pants and that print top I got at Banana Republic, you know, the one I wore to..."

"That sounds perfect!" I told her (the same response, by the way, I had given to the previous two outfits she had pulled out of her closet).

After we had discussed jewelry, accessories, and whether she should straighten her hair or wear it naturally curly, all that was left was for me to offer a few final words of encouragement before she hung up and began getting ready for the "big event."

The back story

A few days earlier a single and solidly-Catholic guy had invited one of my girlfriends out for coffee.

My friend had had her eye on this particular gentleman, and understandably so, since they were first introduced some months earlier.

He had finally shown enough interest to ask her out for coffee, and to say my girlfriend was looking forward to this particular cup of joe is an acute understatement.

When my friend called me to share the news about her coffee invite, I could almost hear the thoughts hammering around in her head:

Is this a date? No, it's just coffee....Right? We're just friends getting together. This is a good chance to get to know each other better...Right? Or do you think he meant something more? Is it a coincidence he invited me out for coffee instead of out for a full meal? Am I reading too much into this...or not enough?"

I realize my girlfriend's behavior may seem a little over the top, but I can honestly say I don't blame her. We single folks wait so long for someone to come along who meshes with our personality on the important areas of compatibility and attraction and a host of other things.

Added to our wish list, as Catholic singles, is the desire to meet someone who also shares our Faith and moral foundation. That's a tall order in today's world!

Hence, when we encounter someone who appears to measure up to a lot of what we're looking for—and also happens to be single!—it's nearly impossible not to think about potentials and possibilities.

You're overthinking it

However (you knew there'd have to be a "but" in here somewhere), I also think a caution is in order for all of us singles who may have a tendency to invest too much emotional and mental energy

in first meetings or even first dates.

I hate to pick on my own gender, but we ladies have a particular tendency to jump rather quickly and prematurely into escalated emotions and long-term planning if we think a potential relationship is on the horizon.

I heard the results of a dating poll that polled a large group of single women of varying ages. One hundred percent of the women polled admitted to doing the same thing every time they went on a first date: mentally trying out their first name with the guy's last name.

Honestly, gentleman, I'm not sure us single women can help it! Catholic ladies ultimately desire the sacrament of marriage, not a Sex in the City-type casual fling; hence when our radar picks up marriage material, it's doubly hard for us not to let our hearts skip a few extra beats.

Guys can often pick up on female signals much faster than some of us ladies might realize.

A gentleman friend told me recently that when he takes a woman out on a first date, he can tell in seconds if she is mentally planning their future already. While this excitement about future possibilities is natural and wonderful, getting caught up in it prematurely can also backfire in a budding friendship, especially if it's perceived as desperation.

Too much, too soon

Most men, when they are interested in a woman, want their interest to be taken at face value. If they've asked a girl out for coffee, drinks, or dessert, that probably means they are interested in getting to know the girl better, but might not be ready for a formal "date," and they are definitely not ready to propose or watch her walk down the aisle.

On a first date, if a guy feels that the girl is naming their children and deciding what flowers and veggies will go in their garden, he's most likely going to say goodnight and not call back the next day. That kind of pressure is neither fun nor fair to place on a man's budding interest in a woman.

The converse is also true: a woman doesn't want to sip her caramel macchiato and feel like the guy is picking out honeymoon destinations in his head instead of listening to her share about her job and hobbies. It's too much too soon and definitely too much pressure.

Give men the chance to be men

I've often heard single women complain that the single guys around them never take initiative or never ask them out. Sometimes these women have a point, but I also blame my own sex for much of the problem.

If single women today take it upon themselves to initiate, plan, and prod their way into a relationship, then men will never have the chance to take back their God-given role to initiate, lead, and protect.

Ladies, we must trust God, trust our brothers in Christ, and trust our future spouses enough to have a docile spirit when it comes to that first date: let's give men the opportunity to treat us like the priceless gems that we are in the eyes of our King.

Let's learn to respect their integrity, and be confident that they'll know if and when it's time to initiate a more serious relationship.

Men also need the breathing space to initiate a relationship at their own pace. They may need time to think, pray and discern as they get to know a women.

By no means does this mean that a guy should string a girl on for unreasonable periods of time, but after an initial "coffee date" the guy should not be expected to call, text, and email the woman a couple dozen times the following day, either.

Learning to relax

I am sure most of us single people are guilty of being premature in our emotional investment in a potential relationship, at least a time or two.

My prayer for all of us is that we will, with God's help, learn to "chill" a little bit more—to take life and the daily experiences God gives us at a little more relaxed and calm pace.

Then, when someone calls to invite us out for coffee, we'll be able to let coffee be coffee and wait on God's timing for something more.