Dear Mary Beth,
I'm in my late 30's. I've known a wonderful guy for several years, but I only see him about once a year. We have talked on the phone a few times. I always call him, but each time we talk for hours, and he tells me how much he enjoys the conversation. I have invited him to a few events, which he also said he enjoyed.
Here is my issue...he has never initiated anything. Not once. He only calls me in response to my calling him. He only e-mails in response to my e-mailing him. His response is enthusiastic and involved, which keeps me from giving up because all my friends and THAT MOVIE all say this is a clear sign that HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. I feel compelled to disagree as I have a gut instinct that he is one of those fellows who is really not good at this dating thing (or am I just grasping at straws?). He is a wonderful, confident Catholic man. This is why I can't bring myself to walk away without knowing what's up.
My anxiety about all this is through the roof. Is the limbo I'm finding myself in normal for a fledgling relationship? Should I just suck it up and keep on as we are?
The Initiator
Dear Initiator,
I SO hate to be the one to have to break this to you. But I already know what's up.
He's just not that into you.
Yes, you are grasping at straws. Unless you believe this prince among men, this confident Catholic stud, is sitting at home waiting for you to call, but terrified to pick up the phone himself. I personally don’t buy it. Perhaps he is a wonderful man. But he is either not that into you, or he is so dense as to fail to read the most elementary of signs, or so paralyzed that he is unable to pursue a woman he is interested in. Which doesn’t really spell a good catch to me.
It occurs to me that in this case, my advice is very gender-specific. If you were a man, asking about a woman who never initiates contact but is very receptive to his overtures, I would say that her receptivity is a good sign and that many women, myself included, aren't comfortable in the role of pursuer in a relationship.
But I don't believe it works the other way. I believe that a vast majority of men, with a little encouragement, are quite capable of pursuing a woman they are interested in -- and Lord knows you have given him more than ample encouragement.
If they don't pursue, it's generally because they are, for whatever reason, not interested.
It seems to me that this guy is happy to enjoy the distraction of a fabulous woman, such as yourself, as long as it doesn’t involve too much strain on his dialing finger. But he doesn’t show any interest in taking it past that. This is not a “fledgling relationship". This is years of him occasionally enjoying the pleasure of your company, while giving no indication that he wants anything beyond a friendship. A friendship initiated solely by you.
And you want more than that.
Maybe he’s afraid of commitment. Maybe he’s afraid of rejection. Maybe he’s afraid of dragons. Maybe he's not afraid of anything, but he's in a place in his life where he can't have or doesn't want a relationship. None of that really matters because it all comes out the same way in the end. He isn’t available for you to date.
Don't take it personally. His response is "enthusiastic and involved." He clearly likes you. He's just, for whatever reason, not a guy who wants to take it to the next level. "The next level" being a friendship where he actually makes contact with you periodically. Crazy, I know. Dating would be several levels beyond that. Not a trip he seems eager to make.
Don't be too hard on yourself for holding out hope. We’ve all been there, in one way or another. The human heart was built for relationship. For self-gift. When we don’t have it, we become very vulnerable, and susceptible to just the kind of making-excuses-for-them frame of mind that you currently find yourself in. It’s happened to me. It’s happened to all of us. We see the possibilities, and objectivity flies out the window.
I will close with a reading from the book of He’s Just Not That Into You:
“With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing, it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.”
Don't settle for less.
