Why Are Women So Needy?

I’m a 30-something professional woman, self-sufficient to a fault. When I’m sick, I make my own chicken soup. When I don’t understand a task at work, I research the answers. When I buy a new car, I check every issue of Consumer Reports I can find. Being perennially single, I’m used to doing things on my own. I wouldn’t want to be needy. Aren’t we supposed to be emotionless, strong women? Showing our feelings makes us crazy, right?  

After reading the article, 4 Things to Remember If You Feel Awkward Expressing Your Needs, from Verily on my lunch hour yesterday, I immediately shared the link with all of my single and dating girlfriends. The subhead of the article says "Don't be fooled—having needs is not the same as being needy." Is this where we’ve gone wrong? It seems like in the process of denying our own womanly natures to deal with the world, maybe we’ve lost the essence of who we really are meant to be. And how a woman's nature complements with a man's.

I heard about the spaghetti/waffle analogy at a conference a few years back and I think it’s helped me understand (and appreciate) men much more. The short version is that men’s brains are like a waffle—a tidy box for everything: sports, work, food, naps. downtime.

Women’s thoughts are more like a bowl of spaghetti, with ideas and actions interconnected and messy. I know that when someone asks me a simple question like, “What did you have for dinner last night?”, I rarely have a simple answer. I tend to mumble something about my commute, the dishwasher not being empty, and the chicken not being defrosted, before I respond with, “and then I went to the gym and had pizza for dinner.” If I asked a male coworker the same question, I’d definitely get, “Pizza. You?”

Once we understand the different ways men and women tick, we then have to learn how these seemingly incompatible creatures complement each other. These are generalities of course, but when we stop acknowledging these differences altogether, all hope of good communication goes out the window.

Laura Jachimowicz makes some very valid points about the good side of this "neediness":

1. Don’t let your ego get the better of you. I have trouble with this one, because I can do everything myself and I’m better than anyone else. Right? It’s very hard to find a balance between being able to do something and acknowledging that a little assistance goes a long way. When I’m at work, I’m constantly proving my worth by tackling projects and marketing myself. Something I have to work on is taking a step back to see that asking for and graciously accepting help is not always a sign of weakness. I love cars, but I’m not so great with understanding automotive repairs. I used to smile and nod and pay for things, despite not knowing what work had just been done on my car. Thanks to an understanding mechanic, I now don’t feel silly or out of my league asking questions about heating coils or fan belts. 
2. Don’t let insecurity block intimacy. I’ve heard a lot of good men complain about “needy” women who want to be treated like princesses, as though that’s a bad word. Sure, there are women who only want to be showered with gifts and desperately crave attention. Most women, however, want to be treated well—to be loved, to be appreciated, to be respected. Acting like a princess should mean living a life of unselfishness, productivity, and wanting the best for others, not just a feeling of entitlement. Because we all carry baggage from previous relationships, our preconceived notions can often get in the way. Don't be bogged down by past failures. Maybe a man has cheated on you—that doesn't mean that every man will do that. Maybe you've dated a gold digger—not all women are avaricious. Don’t let sore issues scare a potential spouse away. But recognize that you may need healing and those insecurities need to be aired. Facing your past relationship issues, can only help you with future relationships. 
3. Remember that he wants to help. Men like to fix problems. They don’t want to discuss them and worry—they want to get right to work. Unfortunately, because we are wired so differently and women feel the need to tiptoe around emotional situations, sometimes we don’t realize that if we tell a man how to fix the problem, he can help. Rather than stewing that you're not dating a mind reader, tell him how he can help. Is he doing something that drives you crazy? Don’t wait until resentment kicks in. Tell him. Would you prefer spending your birthday together instead of receiving heart-shaped jewelry? Tell him. Is he not getting your expertly-crafted subtleties? Just tell him! It will save you both a lot of time and undue stress.
4. Don’t make excuses for yourself. We are all worthy of attention and love, thanks to being made in the image and likeness of God. We have emotions. We all fail. You never have to put a disclaimer on your feelings. Not to exalt women’s intuition or anything, but there have been very specific times when my feelings were completely right about a person or a situation. If we keep an informed mind, our emotions can be helpful.

Men and women are unique creatures, with complementary natures—if we only look for them. 

Women shouldn’t repress their feelings any more than men should belittle them for them, but maybe we can try to articulate our emotions for better communication.

Whether you read up on the four temperaments or the Five Love Languages, always remember that finding out who you are should help you see the beauty in others.

I truly believe that the more self-aware we are, the easier it is to see outside of ourselves and appreciate (and embrace) the differences that make relationships a constant work in progress.