3 Tips To Making Better Relationship Choices After Divorce
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After going through my divorce many years ago and coming to terms with the loss of my marriage, I looked to the future with the hope of marrying again some day. I had been through the annulment process and received a decree of nullity but I was a little leery of getting back into dating. I was fearful of repeating the same mistakes I had made before and I know a lot of people who are looking at dating after divorce now feel this way, too. Who wants to go through another divorce?
Unfortunately, statistics reveal that many who divorce do not stop to consider this before they jump back into a relationship. It's been reported that 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. So, I'd like to share with you some of the things that helped me find a second happy, Catholic marriage of 15 years with the hope that they will help you in your search:
1. Be Honest With Yourself About Your Past Mistakes
The surprising link between the annulment process and successful second marriages is that it offers divorced Catholics a huge benefit aside from the possibility of receiving a decree of nullity (which is necessary for a divorced Catholic to have before dating again). What is this benefit? It is the opportunity to have both a worm's-eye-view and a bird's-eye-view of exactly what caused a marriage to fail, both views being equally important and revealing. Why is this beneficial? Because the one who has been divorced can come face-to-face with the reality of what happened. All the choices he and his spouse or she and her spouse made that contributed to the demise of the marriage. Starting with the dating period, through the engagement period, the day of the wedding and the length of the marriage, all the personal choices and behaviors are laid bare and it's easy to see which were the ones that caused the marriage to fail. In turn, he or she can use this information to correct any personal behaviors that need correcting. You might recognize you have a tendency to choose "needy" people because you like to take care of them, or you are attracted to someone who is not capable of having a healthy marriage (an addict, an abuser, etc.). Even negative behaviors on a more minor scale can be reversed such as resolving to be an honest and open communicator in the next relationship instead of dishonest and covert, or maybe learning to be patient and accepting instead of being a nag or ultra-demanding. Those are just a few examples of how sifting through the details of what happened and then putting it all together to see the big picture is immensely helpful to someone who is hoping to have a successful relationship in the future.
Some people shy away from this process because it is so intensely personal, but I contend therein lies the healing aspect. Marriage is a very personal event in one's life so it makes sense that in trying to determine whether or not a valid marriage bond existed, the questionnaire should also be very personal.
Is it painful to do this? Yes. But there is a cleansing aspect to the pain and one that, if a person going through the process approaches with openness to the Holy Spirit's guidance, turns into peace, a peace that allows one to close that chapter of his or her's life and move forward without the baggage.
2. Take It Slow
Not all people rush into new relationships, but many do and it's easy to see why. Divorce is a very lonely experience that has a devastating effect on a person's attitude toward their own self-worth. Dating someone who things you're attractive, smart, and interesting has an intoxicating effect and you can become addicted to that feeling immediately. This unfortunately leads to mistaking the effect for real love and can result in a rush to get married, and eventually a second divorce.
The best way to approach dating again after you've received a decree of nullity is to take it slow. Spend time as friends first so your relationship can grow naturally without the hot-and-heavy pressure to be sexually intimate. Give your new relationship the opportunity to put what you've learned from your mistakes into practice. And if you are having self-esteem issues, you can download a free chapter of my first book Divorced. Catholic. Now What, titled Your Own Self Worth.
3. Pray
I have a dear friend who went through a divorce, and despite that she was very hopeful a second marriage was in her future. She went through the annulment process, learned the tough lessons that came with it and despite the many invitations to date, she waited until she received a decree of nullity before doing so. In faith, she began praying to St. Anthony for help in finding the right man and eventually she did meet him. They've been very happily married for years now and by the way, his name is Anthony :)
I use that illustration not because I believe prayer is some magical charm or that St. Anthony is a spouse vending machine. I just like to highlight the fact that when we are faithful and seek God's desires for whom we should marry, he never disappoints. Seek the Holy Spirit's guidance as you embark on this important search and couple your efforts with the lessons you learn from the annulment process. This is a great way to search for a spouse.
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