2 Books Anyone Going Through a Divorce Needs to Read

I remember when I first started working with my counselor, I thought my former husband was the one with all the problems that were deeply affecting our marriage. Engaged in active sexual addiction, it was destructive on every level to our relationship.

I thought since I wasn’t the one with “the problem” I was good to go. He had all the issues to work out, I was perfectly fine and had no work of my own to do. How wrong and naive I was!

With healing also came recognition that I had been part of the problem too.

As I started going to counseling and getting involved in recovery groups, my eyes were radically opened. I began to see my own faults and baggage I dragged into a marriage that would eventually end. I was a raging codependent, emotionally needy, very insecure, and controlling. Apparently I had my own boatload of issues to work through and heal.

Even though I am no longer married, I am grateful I have faced my own issues and trauma. It is through doing my own healing work that I have not only survived but thrived after my divorce and beyond.

Two books I read while processing my divorce were particularly transformative.

One of the things I love most about my counselor is how she challenges me and gives me homework assignments. Early on in my recovery journey, she had me read two books: Boundaries and Codependent No More.

These two books have been some of the most transformative and healing books I have read as I went through my own divorce proceedings and waiting for a decision on my annulment.

And I would say these are two books everyone needs to read; but specifically, men and women who find themselves going through a divorce.

Why do I think you should read them?

Because for whatever reason your marriage ended, you have healing work to do. You have to name and face your faults in the marriage. And you to need to learn from what went wrong so when you are free to date again, you can wiser, healthier choices to help you not repeat again what caused your previous marriage to end.

Nobody wants to have another marriage fail. So it is vital that you face your own baggage. The concepts of codependency and boundaries are healthy life skills for every adult, but especially in the healing process of a divorce.

So what are boundaries?

A boundary is a property line—a way to define where we, and our responsibilities, begin and end. Boundary lines mark and define where another person’s yard starts and ends. Boundaries provide safety, define healthy behavior in relationships, and help you respond to unhealthy behavior. Boundaries say, “I belong to me and you belong to you.”

Boundaries allow us to defend ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually against danger. Their ultimate purpose is to set the tone for mutual respect in relationships.

Think of it this way: you have a neighbor who keeps his yard a total mess…lawn unkept, dog poop and trash everywhere, and smells that could kill an elephant. If you randomly went into your neighbor’s yard and started cleaning it up yourself you would be trespassing; going into a place you are unwanted, and trying to clean up a mess that wasn’t yours to begin with. That is living life without boundaries: going somewhere uninvited to “fix” a mess that isn’t yours to fix.

Learning about healthy boundaries post divorce will benefit your own healing, but also be helpful when you begin to date again.

But wait, I’m not codependent!

The author of Codependent No More, Melody Beattie, defines a codependency as: "A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior."

The heart of the meaning is that it is not about the other person, but yourself. It lies in ourselves, in the ways we let other people’s behavior affect us. It lies in the ways we try to control or change them: the obsessing, excessive “helping,” mothering, manipulation, and low self worth and confidence.

Codependency is often experienced when people are in a relationship with another person living in any type of active addiction. I found this to be very true of my own experience.

Now is every person going through a divorce a raging codependent or living with a complete lack of boundaries?

No of course not! But it is fair to say each of us might be somewhere on the spectrum.

We are all on a healing journey after a divorce.

Surrounding yourself with a good counselor and resources that will challenge you will help you thrive, not just survive, in this chapter in life.

If you have gone through a divorce, what have been some of the best books you’ve read to help you in your own healing journey? What has challenged you the most to help you grow?