How to Navigate the Worst Days After Divorce

Don't you wish you could just skip past the aftermath of your divorce?

I remember like it was yesterday.

I was house-sitting for my aunt and uncle for two months leading up to the finalization of my divorce. To help me cope with the grief and loneliness on the weekends, I’d force myself to go out and do things. Even if it was something as small as taking a book to a coffee shop to read so I was out around other people.

This particular time, I was driving to a local movie theater to watch the final movie in The Hunger Games series. As I drove back, I passed several locations of memories attached to the time I was dating my former husband. I burst into tears. I had to grip the steering wheel tightly because I was sobbing so hard. It was one of the worst days I can remember.

You will have hard, horrible days. What tools will you use to manage them?

I don’t know what the worst possible day was for you. But we all will have them in the course of going through a divorce. You cannot avoid them.

As I look back on that chapter in my life, I keep coming back to three particular practices that helped me navigate my feelings and emotions through those worst possible days.

1. Count your "Daily Gratefuls."

This practice honestly was a life saver for me. Every day for 10 minutes, I would set a timer and write down as many things I could think of that I was grateful for. Finding things to be grateful for, counting all the ways God loves me, was a way for me to remind myself there really is always something to be grateful for.

Gratitude helped me to choose joy, even though it felt like my life had fallen apart. There are lots of scientific studies done that show people who practice gratitude regularly are actually 25% happier than everyone else!

You won’t necessarily always feel like doing it, but I promise you: in the long run, it is so worth it.

2. Journal it out.

One of the best things my counselor has helped me learn to deal with are my big feelings and emotions. I grew up in a family where we didn’t really talk about our feelings, especially the big, messy ones. So when I got married, I didn’t really know how to handle my own, let alone the feelings of the man I had married.

So on my really bad days, when I had these big feelings, I would try and name the feeling as best as I could. When I found the right one, I would sit down and journal with these three questions on what I was feeling:

Where do I feel this emotion/feeling on my body?

How does this make me feel?

What am going to do about it?

This last question was my favorite because it allowed me to take my power back, to re-group and choose a healthy response even though I felt like a hot mess. Once I named the feeling and felt it, I needed to have a resolution in response. So maybe I would get up and turn loud music and salsa dance while I unloaded the dishwasher. Or maybe I would go outside and walk for 10 minutes.

But I had a choice. And even if I felt horrible, I knew deep down a healthy choice was the right response.

3. Name what you’re feeling.

Own your feelings and name them. Do not numb yourself or ignore them. Name exactly what you are feeling and why. The quicker you name what you’re feeling, the sooner the emotion will pass and you will get through it.

Don’t binge on Netflix all day and don’t rush out to the grocery store for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream. It never works anyway, but only serves as a mask to the real pain underneath.

My counselor Mary would always remind me: “Patty, your feelings are just your feelings. They are not good or bad, they are just feelings. They won’t control you or overwhelm you, as long as you name them and feel them.”

What I learned as I had those really rough days, was that over time the rough days were less frequent. I would go longer stretches where I didn’t burst into tears driving past locations associated with old memories of being married.

Over time it got easier. As time went on, I built a new life for myself. I was happier and more fulfilled than I had ever been in my life.

What has helped you get through your own rough days? What is helping your heart heal post divorce?

You’re not alone. We are in this together.