Does Sex Really Matter Anymore?

Kids these days...

Years ago, I used to travel from parish to parish and talk to youth and young adults about human relationships, love and sexuality. Because of the topic matter, the audiences were usually large, inquisitive—and predictable. The attendees always expected me to give them answers on why sex had to be within marriage. Correct that—they wanted me to give them foolproof, watertight, infallible answers. They wanted me to convince them that sex outside of marriage wasn't good.

It would be great to tell you that the approaches I used provided the persuasion and credibility they were seeking. It would be nice to share that at the end of each talk the kids stood up and said, "I get it now! Sex is so wonderful that I am going to control myself until marriage!" (That never happened.) The best I can tell you is that the kids left more informed and ready for more conversation. They were primed to hear more and think deeply about the message.

But where was the follow up discussion?

Yet—the discussion was done. Parishes rarely did any type of follow-up. Students weren't offered additional resources or time for more dialogue. Pastors didn't offer time for confession. And, in nearly 10 years of presentations, I never had a parish suggest or ask parents for their involvement.

I want you to know that it always struck me funny that so many parishes asked me to talk about sex. Why did they have to bring me from the outside to share God's plan for sex, love, and marriage? Why couldn't they do it themselves? Better yet, why weren't their parents discussing these matters within their home?

After most of the talks, I usually asked myself whether sex really mattered anymore? It must, because the invitations to talk kept coming. Yet, these invitations seemed to be one and done events; a punch on the checklist of topics to cover. Was this really how our Church wanted to share God's amazing message?

The reality is: sex before marriage is commonplace.

As marriage ministers, we are painfully aware that we have experienced an epic failure in our ability to share God's plan for love, sexuality, and marriage. The statistics are undeniably awful and have been for over a decade. A 2007 public health report from the National Institute of Health concluded that, "Almost all Americans have sex before marrying." Apparently, sex before marriage is so commonplace that it is rarely reported on today. It is expected. It is considered normal.

At the risk of being labeled Captain Obvious, I want to say that our lack of intentional formation on human sexuality, love, and marriage has resulted in a heap of hurt in our world. Our silence has allowed acceptance of secular sexual practices that go well beyond premarital sex. People today justify sexual freedom as a choice and not a sin; often making selections based on a sliding vs. a deciding mentality.

And Catholics buy into society's lies too.

To unpack this one step further, we know that very few Catholics are all-in with God's plan for human sexuality. The acceptance and tolerance by Catholics of premarital sexual expression and related issues (abortion, contraception, divorce...) mimics that of secular society.

Perhaps the biggest challenge we face is the one brewing within our own faith community.

But our answer needs to be: YES. Sex matters!

So, my brothers and sisters within the Marriage Ministry community—I need to ask you: does sex really matter anymore?  Think about for a bit before answering.

In fact, stop—pray—and then answer, because what you decide will determine how effective you are at Catholic marriage ministry.

I pray that your answer is a resounding—YES SEX MATTERS.  If it isn't, I ask you to do the following:

1. Read (or reread) the Church's teachings on love, sex, and marriage.
2. Review current research on the societal impact of sexual freedom and revelation.  Leading sociologists have concluded the negatives are greater than the positives.
3. Take all that you learn to God with the prayer, "Which way brings your people the greatest good?"
4. Make a decision. Either choose to be all-in with God's plan and reveal his greatness within your ministry or consider stepping away.

If you do answer—YES SEX MATTERS, then work these steps into your schedule.

1. Read (or reread) the Church's teachings on love, sex, and marriage.
2. Gather your marriage ministry team and study what the Church teaches.
3. Work God's plan into your ministry—especially into your remote preparation for marriage and family life.

Church ministries can change hearts and minds.

Remember: nothing is impossible with God. Several dioceses are implementing intentional formation at all levels of their ministry. They have integrated the building blocks from Saint Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body into their religion curriculum, youth programs, parent programs, and marriage prep. They have made NFP education a requirement of their preparation for marriage.  And they are bringing parents into the fold with direct and engaging resources.

Let's drop the reactive stance to the secular understanding of love and pick up a proactive confidence in God perfect plan for human love.  Making sex matter again requires our action and dedication. Ready to make it happen?