A Quick Guide to Tactfully Closing a Conversation

Respectful dialogue is getting rarer every day.

Unfortunately, it's not just a problem for politics and protesters. We’re losing our ability to have kind, honest conversations in daily life. When we disagree on an issue, lose interest in a topic, or find something more entertaining to do, a lot of people just walk away from the conversation altogether.

It’s not a huge deal if you’re arguing politics on Facebook—there’s always someone else to take your place. But, when you’re messaging with a potential date on CatholicMatch, or texting with a new friend from your local single’s group, ghosting is a major problem.

Most people have been ghosted at least once by someone. They thought the conversation was going well. She asked: “what do you like to do for fun?” He responded with a few of his favorite hobbies: swimming, hiking, and reading Harlem Renaissance poets like Claude McKay. Then he asked her the same question. Two weeks later, his message is still sitting there. Unanswered, unread. What happened?

Likely, she lost interest. Maybe she doesn’t like Claude McKay, or the outdoors. But, since she never bothered to say so, he’ll never know what about his answer turned her away. He’s left with unresolved questions and that awkward rejected feeling in the pit of his stomach.

So, why do people ghost?

People who have ghosted often say that they chose the easy way out of conversations when they don’t want to process their own emotions, or when they’re scared of finally finding what they’re looking for.

If that seems like a flawed way to go about dating, you’re right. But ghosting isn’t exactly a rational response. It’s the online equivalent of hiding in the bathroom until someone leaves a party. Because online dating can bring together people who do not share any common acquaintances, ghosting becomes more appealing. It’s easy to slip into the habit of just dropping off the radar when a conversation fails to hold your interest.

Avoid the temptation. If you’ve been ghosted, even if it’s after just a few messages, you know that it feels like a slap in the face. You’re not even worth a line of closure. You’re just tossed aside and forgotten.

Or are you? Maybe something broke on her phone. Maybe she thinks you got her reply and is wondering why you ghosted. Maybe she’s sick or hurt in the hospital. Maybe the two of you will laugh about all this later. You just don’t know.

Ghosting leaves the other person feeling hurt, used, and rejected; but also guilty and uncertain, because his or her hurt and rejection might be wrongly directed. It denies the other person closure.

First situation: closing an online conversation.

What happens when you’ve been messaging with someone a few times and you're no longer interested? If you’re not feeling a connection, tell them so. I know that sometimes is feels awkward to say something like that directly, but think of the alternative.

When you ghost someone, you’re not just telling someone you don’t feel a connection; you’re also telling them that they’re not worth a minute of your time. And, you’re telling them that you’re not someone who values other people’s feelings.

Since you do value other people’s feelings, be direct. “I’m just not feeling a connection, but thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself.”

You can offer a reason or two why there’s not a connection. Maybe you’re a couch potato and tired of dating hikers, or maybe he comes off a little too intense on his profile. It’s okay to say so. In fact, it can even be helpful. Critique is hard to hear sometimes, but if your honesty helps someone else improve their presentation, they’ll be grateful for it.

In an age of ghosting, taking the time to turn someone down directly reminds the other person that he does have value and dignity.

Second situation: saying no after an in-person meeting.

It can take a long time for an online conversation to turn into an in-person date. Sometimes, it can feel like forever. If someone has stepped out of the screen and into the world for you, you owe them a "good-bye."

Maybe he seemed great online, but on your date, he spent most of his time checking his phone. Or maybe she spent the evening listing her ex-boyfriend’s flaws and planning your life. Whatever the case, dating disappointments happen. That’s one of the reasons it’s important to transfer your relationship offline.

When the first date turns into a failure, let her know as soon as possible. Even it that means you end the date by saying no to another one. Be polite, but honest. Don’t say “we should do this again!” unless you mean it. Instead, let her know you appreciated the chance to get to know her better, and you wish her all the best.

Kindness is classy.

Sometimes it’s hard to find the words to turn down another person. Especially when you’re both pursuing the same goal: marriage. But avoid ghosting and treat each potential date as you would want to be treated.

Choosing to turn your back on selfish trends like ghosting is the kind, classy, and Catholic way to treat the people you meet on your path towards marriage.