Don't Let Your Significant Other Accept You As You Are
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Our significant others shouldn't accept us as we are.
Nonetheless, many of them do. And there's a virtue in that. It is selfless to let their preferences slide so we can get what we want. There is generosity when they endure parts of us that clash with parts of them. They are gracious to keep their mouths shut when they could call us out for behaving badly. And we should be grateful that they accept us as we are.
Though if we're honest, we have to admit: We shouldn't always let them. A girlfriend or boyfriend who doesn't ask you to change your behavior isn't proof that you have none worth changing. None of us needs to be told that we could be healthier and holier. All of us have room to grow. We are all called to die to self in relationships.
But if I expect someone else's death to self to result in his or her settling for my bad behavior, I'm expecting to be in relationships that won't sanctify me. When I let my significant other settle for my status quo, I'll settle for it, too—I'll never grow.
Letting significant others accept us as we are stunts us, which is why we shouldn't do it.
But that doesn't mean a girlfriend or boyfriend should turn you into someone you're not. It does mean your own growth should be important to you—for your sake but also for your significant other's.
When growth is important to us, we'll examine our lives daily.
We'll make changes where necessary.
And we can find out what needs to change by asking these important questions.
Where else could I be dying to self for my boyfriend or girlfriend's benefit?
In other words, are you being selfless?
Marriage is intended to illustrate God's love for us. And nobody loves more selflessly than He does. He volunteered to endure a cross for His beloved's benefit. Is there a cross you should endure for yours?
Maybe this starts by letting her pick the movie even if it doesn't appeal to you. Or maybe it's in getting him a meaningful gift when "gifts" isn't your love language, but it's his.
We become selfless by choosing to do what's hard to do because of the good it will do for somebody else.
And marriage will require a lot of that.
What has been on my mind that I haven’t voiced yet?
In other words, are you being vulnerable?
Before the fall, Adam and Eve were naked without shame. My friend Gomer, cohost of the Catching Foxes podcast, says this means that before sin, husbands and wives could have been vulnerable with each other without fear—physically, spiritually, and emotionally. But after they sinned, they hid.
"Their nakedness ... now could be used as a weapon," Gomer said. "The woman, in order to protect her dignity, had to cover herself, had to hide from her beloved, and the man, in order to protect his dignity, had to cover himself, had to hide from his beloved. And this is the problem. This is actually what marriage is meant to destroy."
But parts of vulnerability should begin before the wedding.
Maybe it starts by asking a question you've been afraid to ask—about finances, past relationships, or future plans. Or maybe it's in sharing something about yourself that you've hesitated to disclose.
In being vulnerable, you let your significant other see more of you. You invite him or her into intimacy.
And marriage requires a lot of that, too.
What have I said I'm going to do that I haven't done yet?
In other words, are you being reliable?
In marriage, your spouse will need to rely on you. Whether you're reliable now will help the people you date discern whether they can rely on you later. While your procrastination might be your significant other's path to patience, it also might be why he or she doesn't trust you. When I tell somebody I'm going to do something but I don't do it, I provide an expectation that I don't meet. What expectations haven't you met yet?
Maybe you still haven't brought him the book you said he could borrow. Or maybe she's still waiting for the photo you said you'd send. And maybe they both wonder: If you don't do the little things you said you'd do today, will you do the big things tomorrow?
We can become reliable by following through on what we say we'll do from now on.
And the good of our future families will depend on whether we do that.
Have I given my significant other less access to me than he or she deserves?
In other words, do you have healthy boundaries?
The best illustration I've ever been given for boundaries is a target, as discussed in a talk by speaker and author Danny Silk. Your closest human relationship belongs with you—in the bullseye of the target. This person is closer to you than anyone else and gets more access to your time and energy. If you're married, it's your spouse.
Your kids belong in the ring around the bullseye. Your parents and siblings and probably some friends belong in the ring around that. The farther people are from the bullseye, the less you give of yourself to them—the lower the priority their relationships with you are. But sometimes we don't prioritize what we should. Sometimes, we give the time and energy that belongs to a significant other away to other people or endeavors.
Do you put people in your bullseye who don't belong there by dropping everything for them, including commitments to your significant other? Does your girlfriend have to compete with your hobbies for your attention? Does your boyfriend have to compete with social media for yours?
If our priorities need to be rearranged, it's likely that we've not been putting our true top priority first: a relationship with God. But we can start today to seek Him first.
Doing so equips you to prioritize wisely. And that's also important in marriage.
Lately, have I brought my beloved closer to sin or closer to Christ?
In other words, are you leading this person to sainthood?
We're all supposed to be holier as a result of our relationships than we were before they existed. But we often resist this, as evidenced by a physical intimacy question I get when I give chastity talks: "How far is too far?"
I shared the stage once with a fellow speaker—former college soccer player and now Christian author Mo Isom—who responded brilliantly to "How far is too far?"
That's the wrong question, she said, because it's like asking "How close to sin am I allowed to take this person?"
There's a far better question we all should ask: How close to Christ can I get him or her?
When that's the goal, our relationships really will do what God designed them to do—make us holier.
And toward holiness is one way all of us can still grow.
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