Learning From the Past Makes You a Better Spouse

As I prepare for my new marriage, it’s a time for looking forward. But also for looking back…

I recently got engaged. It will be my second marriage. Technically, it will be my first since my previous marriage was annulled by the Catholic Church. It’s a time of fresh starts and I’m thankful for it.

I want to do better this time around. Because we are human, we all make mistakes in relationships. I made my share in my first marriage. When a marriage ends, it gives you time to think about the things you did or said, or left undone and unsaid. 

I’m not looking back in a wistful way. I have moved on and I don’t want to be with my former wife. I am excited about starting a new life with my fiancée.

But I think it can be helpful to look back with the purpose of making sure you don’t make the same mistakes again.

As Andrew Osenga sings:

“Tell me the stories about my history

Right the wrongs and flag the mines

Of the doom that can escape repeat”

So I’ve been flagging mines in my memory the past few days. I remember times I said something hurtful or dismissive. I remember a time I was late to an event with my spouse because I stayed out too long with friends. I remember not being as understanding and merciful as I should have been when she made a mistake. 

I have regrets. Of course, my ex feels the same way. We’re both only human, so we both hurt each other. Since the divorce, we have both forgiven each other as well. That’s good. But it makes me think of something else…

There are no guarantees in life, beyond the fact that God loves us.

I never anticipated that my first marriage would end. But sometimes people get divorced. Or die. And then it’s too late to say all the things you wanted to say, or do all the things you felt you should do. So, whatever relationship you’re in, say and do those things now. 

And when you’ve come to a place where that’s no longer possible, then learn from the past. I know I will make mistakes again in my new relationship. But I can recall mistakes from my previous relationship and use those as lessons. I can try to love better this time around. 

I can do the things I failed to do before, like show up on time, listen more carefully, and put myself in my new spouse’s place so I can empathize with what she’s feeling. And when I screw up, I can apologize right away, while the time is still now, and do my best to make reparations to her.

We don’t always get it right the first time around. Or the second.

But every moment is a new opportunity to ask forgiveness, start over, and love better. 

So as I move forward into my new marriage, I’ll trust God, forgive myself and those who hurt me and learn from the past. In the words of the Jars of Clay song:

“I will try to make up for lost time

Forsaking all I've done and left undone”