This Is Not Your Average Love Language
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You know the classic Five Love Languages, right?
It’s an awesome tool to learn more about yourself, your relationships, and the variety of affection types. The five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Most people prefer one of these things over the others.
A couple years ago, I found out I’m a words of affirmation girl. Hardcore. (Shocking for a writer, I know.) But since then, I’ve noticed a few discrepancies in the five love languages theory. There are so many ways of expressing and receiving affection that don’t quite fall into the classic five—which is probably why they’re called “primary.”
What am I talking about, exactly? Let me start with a story about my dad.
My father raises Highland cattle—you know, those stocky, fuzzy bovines with giant horns. Anyway, he LOVES those cattle, to the point that Mom calls them the “other women” in his life. He raises them, tames them, feeds them, and basically gets the whole family involved. A couple years ago, I was bed-bound again by a serious illness. It was calving season, and the Highlanders were multiplying by the day with miniature versions of themselves. I remember lying on my bed staring at the ceiling, waiting for a text about which heifer had given birth last night. A door creaked somewhere. Then I heard someone coming up the stairs.
“Those footsteps are awfully heavy for Dad,” I thought. Then he came into my room, and wrapped in a blanket in his arms was a tiny calf, no bigger than a dog! She nosed awkwardly at me, staring around with those giant bewildered eyes newborn creatures always have.
“Since you can’t come down to see them,” my dad explained gruffly, “This is Dotty.” And he put little Dotty beside me on the bed, blankets and all. I will never forget that my dad carried a baby cow to a second story room for me. It was, simply, real love.
That’s a touching story, you say—hopefully you wipe a tear from your eye, too. But what about your family, who live in the city? Maybe your boyfriend can’t bring you baby livestock on Valentine’s Day.
How do you know what someone’s love language is if it’s not one of the classic five?
The trick is not in carrying around a list to refer to every time we meet someone new, tempting as that is. Instead, try looking at every person as an individual, and ask what makes them tick.
1. Humor
For example, think about the class clown in eighth grade, or that uncle who keeps telling an old joke, or a three-year-old who’s convinced hiding behind the door for the seventh time is still hilarious. Humor is something that many people find endearing and bonding. All of us love bringing smiles to other people’s faces, and some people truly feel that shared humor, pranks, and ridiculous stories are the essence of affection.
2. Creativity
Or, think about those people in your life who have really creative hobbies. Sometimes, people express their love through sharing their music, drawings, or cooking. A lot of people don’t understand or think they’re just trying to show off when the artist tries to share his paintings, or the cook invites you to join him in the kitchen, or the musician wants to teach you to play the piano. But in reality, many creative souls express and receive love through artistic means.
3. Time Apart
Consider people who love best when they’re apart. Hear me out, I promise this will make sense in a minute. Remember that article about the Churchills? They went on separate vacations and even had individual morning routines. And, paradoxically, their marriage thrived.
Sometimes, people love each other best when they have lots of time apart, to pursue their own interests or goals independently. Then, when they come back together, they’re excited to share their experiences and feel refreshed with the time away. I have that friend from college, whom I see maybe twice a year. (Hi Amanda, love you!) No matter how long we spend apart, when we meet up again it seems like we pick up right where we left off, as if we’d just seen each other yesterday.
You could argue that all these things could be boxed into the five primary love languages.
You may be right—examined clinically, my dad bringing Dotty to me might fit into quality time, or acts of service, or whatever label you want. But I think that’s taking a bit of the magic away, don’t you? The wonderful thing about affection is just how personal everything is. No two people express or receive affection the same. Just because an expression of love doesn’t fit the classic categories doesn’t make it meaningless.
Here’s my challenge for you: Once you understand the five classic languages, start trying to recognize & give affection in ways that don’t quite fit the norm.
Start looking for love in the little things, like the jokes of a child or the video games your cousin wants to play with you. Don’t be afraid to express affection in your own way, too! Sure, you might have to do some explaining when people don’t seem to care or if they’re confused. It’s worth it; the beauty of humanity is our endless variation.
Love is as individual as you are, so don’t try to cover up those little quirks and eccentric expressions all the time. God gave you those things to help you love others, so don’t bury them like the one talent in the Bible story. Instead, use that talent well and see what comes of it. Plus, if someone brings you a baby horse or something while you’re sick, you’ll know just how much they love you!
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