Think Long Distance Relationships Aren't Worth it? Think Again.

Not too long ago, I received an email that aptly illustrates the sentiments of many single Catholics.

It stated: “I think the encouragement for internet courtship is highly unrealistic. While long distance relationships may work in lovely anecdotes, I do not think they are common place. I have been signed on [a Catholic singles site] for 6 months with no success, largely due to distance I suspect.”

I’ll be the first to admit that long distance relationships (LDRs for short) are not ideal situations. From personal experience I know that LDRs often involve more time, energy, emotional strain, and financial sacrifice than other relationship circumstances. Yet, despite the downsides, I firmly believe that LDRs can work out successfully, and in fact are much more commonplace than some of us may be willing to admit.

Through my work with Catholic young adults I’ve had the pleasure of meeting numerous couples who met and courted from across the miles, and were able to make a long distance scenario work. Every single one of these couples tells me that even though it wasn’t always easy, it was worth it.

Long distance relationships do not succeed or fail because of distance.

While of course distance can be a major cause of stress on a relationship and a contributing factor to a relationship’s demise, distance is not an insurmountable odd that cannot be overcome. I’m becoming more and more convinced that the difficulties distance presents can be conquered with the grace of God, two strong wills, and a mutual and firm commitment to making the sacrifices necessary to make the relationship work.

If you meet a girl or guy across the miles who you believe has the potential of being a good spouse, don’t let distance stand in the way of investigating the opportunity of a lifetime.

But besides a “Just Do It” attitude towards long distance relationships, is there anything else we can do to make LDRs a little easier and give them a better chance at succeeding?

I think so.

From talking with friends and colleagues who successfully navigated the waters of a long distance relationship, I’ve found that several key ingredients were almost always present in a successful LDR.

1. Acknowledge that LDRs are tough. Couples in successful LDRs fully acknowledged the downsides and difficulties of their situation—they didn’t try to pretend the difficulties did not exist. These couples also made conscious efforts to help each other through the hardships and over the hurdles.
2. Recognize the benefits to a LDR. Couples in successful long distance relationships were also able to appreciate the benefits of a LDR scenario, and took active steps to maximize the positive aspects of their situation.

Now I’m sure some of you are ready to stop reading right now. You’re thinking “Did she just say benefits to a long distance relationship? Is she nuts or is she just crazy?!”

I rarely come across a single person who isn’t willing to give a laundry list of the downsides of long distance relationships (myself included!).

But talk to a married couple who first met and courted long distance, and you’ll find many of them willing to admit the ways distance strengthened their relationships: maybe it made the couple mentally or emotionally stronger, more patient, better verbal communicators, more committed to making the relationship work, or just helped them get to know each other in new and deeper ways.

Whatever the positive aspects and benefits of your long distance relationship are or will be, it’s important to first be aware of them, and then take active steps to maximize their effectiveness in your relationship.

In addition, acknowledge the difficulties and struggles that each of you experience because of the distance factor, so that you can help each other minimize the effects of these hardships on the relationship. Be encouraged that careful planning and consideration can make a less-than-ideal situation more durable and doable. Have some long and honest discussions with the person you’re interested in about the pros and cons of a long distance relationship, and talk about ways you can help each other minimize the stress and maximize the blessings.

Here are a few examples of LDR pros and cons to ponder and discuss.

Pro: Commitment & Positive Effort

Since most of us have entered adulthood in the midst of a divorce-soaked society, we know that “commitment” is something desperately lacking in many relationships in the modern world. As you prepare for marriage, it’s important to seek a spouse who is willing and able to make a lifelong commitment to you.

Girls, listen up! If a man is willing to cross a couple county lines, a state line, a continent, or an ocean or two to meet you and date you, that’s a good indicator that he highly values you and is capable of making a more permanent commitment to you. Appreciate the extra effort and sacrifice made in order to spend time with you.

Remember, the stronger commitment necessary for a LDR to work is like championship relationship training that will only serve to help you both grow in virtue and fortify your ability to commit to someone in a lifelong marriage.

Con: Time & Money

Time and money are costly sacrifices necessary in a long distance relationship. I know of no quick and easy solution to this difficulty. However, LDRs do afford a good opportunity to practice frugality, wise spending habits, and careful planning of time and schedules in order to make time for time spent together. Learning to budget your time and finances wisely in a LDR will only make you a more virtuous and disciplined person, and thus also better prepared for family life in the long run.

Pro: Verbal Communication

An often overlooked benefit of long distance relationships is that distance gives you the opportunity to work on communication in other ways: online chat, email, letter writing, and phone calls. In my experience, one of the greatest blessings of a long distance relationship was the ability to learn how to verbally communicate with the person on such a deep level—to investigate thoughts, feelings, firmly held beliefs, and perspectives on a wide variety of topics and issues. Distance also gives you a wealth of opportunities to listen as well as to speak.

In his book Courtship and Marriage, Fr. John O’Brien writes about the benefits of verbal communication in a relationship:

A thousand times more satisfying and enduring than mere physical pleasures are those which arise from the contact of mind with mind, of heart with heart, of personality with personality...[These] won’t be discovered through a mere superficial acquaintance, but only though patient exploration and continued search (p. 36).

A long distance relationship is a fertile time to hone verbal communication skills and grow to love the person’s mind, heart, and character. It is a perfect chance to ask a lot of questions, hear a lot of stories, and learn a lot of information about the person you’re interested in. Treasure that opportunity.

Con: Temptations to Selfishness

A downside to long distance relationships is that they have the potential danger of breeding selfishness in place of selflessness. When you’re in a relationship, you want dinner and movie dates on the weekends, and long hours at a coffee shop discussing your favorite books. He wants you to come with him to his brother’s football games on Friday nights, and she wants you to sit next to her in church on Sunday mornings. She wants his shoulder to cry on when she needs it...and he wants to see her eyes sparkle when he teases her.

In a long distance relationship, you cannot always have all that—at least not nearly as often as you’d like. And as a result, it’s easy to develop a selfish or sorry-for-yourself attitude towards the relationship and the other person. However, there’s no room for selfishness in a LDR, just as there’s no room for selfishness in marriage. The temptation to selfishness is a long distance downside that can be overcome or avoided by being aware of the danger, and helping each other avoid falling into the selfishness trap.

Pro: Learning to Trust

For a long distance relationship to work, you will learn how to trust another person with your most vulnerable and valuable treasure: your heart. It’s risky. It’s scary. It’s difficult. But it’s definitely worth a try.

As you learn to trust another person across the miles, you will ultimately learn how to trust your Heavenly Father more, and come to rely on His grace and direction in new and powerful ways. You will learn to pray with King Solomon: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Not Just in Fairy Tales

There are many fears of when it comes to LDRs. However, the more happily married couples that you and I come across who met long distance, the more I think we’ll be convinced that LDRs don’t just work in “lovely anecdotes.” They take place in real life, involve real struggles and real blessings, and have the capability of leading, if it’s God’s will, to a happy, blessed, lifelong marriage. And if that’s the case, then they are certainly worth both the risk and the reward involved.