Romance In Marriage: How To Keep The Spark Alive
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Everyone says to keep the spark alive and never stop dating after getting married. That’s great to say—but how do you actually do it, and what does it look like? Let’s tackle some very common concerns about romance after the wedding, and how marriages can thrive among all the busyness of family life!
What does date night look like when you have little ones?
Date night with little children usually means adapting your favorite activities to make them kid-friendly. For instance, my husband and I love hiking—we simply bring a stroller or baby backpack along to tote the baby with us. As a result, my son’s absolute favorite thing to do is go outside!
My parents used to do “movie theater nights” at home, complete with quarters, paper tickets, and a snack bar. We kids loved it, and my parents got to spend quality time together while we were watching our movie.
If you love going out to eat, maybe you order takeout and luncheon next to a park, where the kids can play while you eat. Maybe you do a read-aloud for the whole family, so you two can share your love of literature with each other as well as your children. Once your kids are old enough to stay with a sitter, you can return to your old dating favorites.
How do you connect with your spouse when you’re busy with different things every day?
Connecting with your spouse takes consistency and creativity, not necessarily hours and hours of your day. Look for little ways to communicate and don’t write off any ideas! Maybe you call or text over lunch break at work. Perhaps you stay up late on weekends to catch up after the kids have gone to sleep, or get up before them to have coffee together.
Another good option is always eating meals together as a family—if you’re serving your kids’ favorite dishes, they’ll be more focused on the food, giving you two a chance to talk! A final tip is to designate a specific way to keep track of tasks and practical needs around the house, somewhere you can both see it sans talking. Texting, calendars, and fridge lists are popular for a reason. Putting mundane practicalities in writing keeps your face-to-face conversation more free for each other, rather than continual “around the house” talk.
What does attraction and intimacy look like after kids and subsequent body changes?
Attraction is based more on connection and communication than it is on looks alone. (Yes, looks play a part, but not usually for the reasons you think!) Maintaining your close friendship within marriage is a great place to keep the spark alive. Spouses should also, as much as they are able, prioritize keeping themselves healthy. Health is generally the basis for all visual attraction, remember!
Find other physical things to do together outside of the bedroom—dancing, hiking, gardening, whatever. Simply finding active pastimes can keep you in tune with your physical being—I don’t think I need to explain why that’s a good thing for intimacy!
You can also build emotional intimacy by sprinkling variety in your daily I-love-you’s. For instance, send an email during a random workday telling your spouse you miss them. Or, send a text from the living room when your spouse is in the kitchen! Don’t let “I love you” become a taken-for-granted routine. Notice each other and say so!
How do you prioritize your spouse while also focusing on all the needs of children?
First off, you and your spouse should always be touching base on whether one of you needs something specific, or is feeling a lack of something. Communication is imperative to a healthy marriage! Another thing to remember is spouses are both adults, whereas kids are young. Children add a ton of needs to the equation, yes; these aren’t the same needs as your spouse. Your kids need time and attention—your spouse needs love and connection. Your kids need supervision—your spouse needs to feel valued. See what I mean?
There’s different ways to fill each need without putting kids and spouses in competition for your attention. So, communicate with your spouse about their needs, the needs of the children, and be creative in how you meet all of them.
For instance, my dad used to spend quite a few nights working away from home—he sent cards and love notes in the mail to my mom. My in-laws have a sweet tradition: he keeps a fresh flower on her nightstand, and replaces it when it begins to wilt. These little loving reminders are a great way to feed your marriage while you have busy lives and children.
What about career changes and financial burdens?
We’ve probably all heard that money problems are one of the biggest factors in divorce. Hence, if you know you want to get married, it’s great to build good money skills while you’re single and dating. Getting started on a career and living within your means ahead of time is a great start to a good marriage. That said, it’s never too late to work on those skills! If you’re married and feel the financial pressure: talk together. Check-in with where your spouse is and how they feel, and discuss solutions instead of the problem. Maybe you look at taking a finances course, redoing the budget, paying off debt, etc.
Career switches and higher education can also fall into money stressors. Typically, I would advise getting coursework out of the way before you tie the knot, if possible. However, there are plenty of people who switch careers and go back to school well into marriage. Make sure you and your spouse communicate a lot and make a reasonable plan for how your family will live and make an income during the switch. Also, make a backup plan if this big change goes terribly awry.
If your marriage suffers unbearably due to financial or career strains, you probably need to switch gears. No matter how many sacrifices you make within your marriage, the imperative part is to sacrifice other things for your marriage, because it is more important than a job or money.
How do you balance social circles as well as your marriage, extended family, kids...?
Everybody has in-laws and friend circles. How often you see people can vary based on distance, availability, work schedules, and a million other factors. The most important thing for you and your spouse: try to do at least half of your social activities together.
If one of you is introverted and the other an extrovert, you’ll need to work hard to find a good balance of how much time is good to spend around other people. If you’re both introverted, you will probably want to ensure you’re spending enough time with other people. If you’re both extroverted, you might need to schedule times to spend with only your spouse and/or kids, to make sure friends and extended family don’t start getting more attention than your marriage.
Obviously, a girl’s day out or your brother’s bachelor party aren’t something you should bring your spouse to. But whenever you can, going places and seeing people together is the optimal choice. It supports the social aspect of your marriage and gives you a chance to both connect with people important to you. For extended family holidays especially, go in with an agreed upon plan: if you and your spouse both know where you want to be, and for how long, holidays and big gatherings will go smoothly for everyone involved.
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