Marriage With a Pandemic Mindset

When COVID-19 hit, the whole nation changed overnight.

Suddenly, we were living in quarantine, stores and restaurants were closed, and the majority of us were working from home. The abruptness of that change coupled with immense uncertainty became a divisive experience for relationships: This could be an exciting opportunity for bonding and growth, or it could cause a lot more arguments. Through my own experiences and those of my friends, I discovered that the following practices made the difference between just surviving quarantine together and really thriving. 

While we don’t know what the future holds for COVID, we do have control over the future of our relationships. Using the tips below and approaching your relationship with a “pandemic mindset,” can lead to a joyful marriage in general, and are particularly useful if we should ever find ourselves in quarantine again.

1. Discussing views about health. 

Prior to the pandemic, how often did you and your spouse discuss the topic of health? I’m willing to bet that for many young, healthy couples, health and wellness has rarely come up. However, COVID-19 brought this topic to the forefront. Reactions to the pandemic have been split—some people have been strictly adhering to social distancing and mask-wearing, while others have been going about life as usual. These differences can be a source of contention in a marriage.

Use this time as an opportunity to discuss your perspectives on health and wellness topics in general, such as how much you prioritize eating a healthy diet or exercising, how you feel about traditional medicine vs. alternative options, and where you stand on vaccinations. Even if you don’t see exactly eye to eye on all of these topics, finding common ground is beneficial to thriving during a health crisis.

2. Developing shared hobbies.

Maybe the hobbies you share were halted by COVID, such as attending concerts or traveling. With these options drastically decreased, how do you engage with your spouse? Have you found that your feelings have changed without the luxury of external distractions? Developing hobbies that you can participate in together while at home is a great way to reconnect.

My husband and I share many interests—puzzles, going on walks, baking—so quarantining together went relatively smoothly. You don’t have to share all of the same interests; in fact, it’s healthy to have your own hobbies. However, not sharing any similar interests reduces opportunities for bonding and makes spending quality time together more difficult, which may lead to resentment or disconnectedness.

On the other hand, taking an interest in something that is important to your spouse is an opportunity to show your spouse how much you value him or her while fostering a stronger sense of togetherness. 

3. Structuring your time.

Once staying home became the norm, schedules and time in general seemed inconsequential. However, whether you’re working from home full-time or unemployed, scheduling your time is an effective way to avoid burn-out or the sin of sloth, both of which are harmful to a marriage. 

My husband is an extrovert, but he requires more time to himself than I do. Further, as I was unemployed for the first two months of COVID, I had much more time available. In order to maintain a healthy balance and meet both of our needs, we decided to block out the time that we would spend together and to participate in individual hobbies. This is also a helpful strategy for making time for prayer. When you are intentional about how you use your time, you become focused and more present. 

4. Being vulnerable.

The pandemic has brought with it a variety of emotions. How comfortable are you with expressing your emotions around your partner, and how comfortable are you with supporting your partner’s emotional expression? True intimacy occurs when you and your spouse create a safe place to explore emotions.

When inviting your spouse to share his or her feelings, don’t offer advice or platitudes, just listen and let your partner know that you are there for them. 

Vulnerability is difficult—it is uncomfortable and can leave us feeling exposed. Jesus on the cross is a picture of absolute vulnerability, and there is nothing comfortable about that. Ask Him to help you be more vulnerable so that you can more deeply love and be loved.

Sharing your prayer life with each other is another way to be vulnerable. Has your faith been rocky during this time? Has anything in particular brought you consolation? When couples share on this level with each other, they establish a stronger, more solid foundation—one that can withstand any pandemic.