Men: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Propose
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Things are going great, so...is she the one?
Alright, guys, you’ve met a great woman. You’ve been dating a while. You laugh together, share some interests, have common values, have a common dream. You’ve had some chances to see each other during the hard times and experienced some ups and downs. You still think she’s the best thing since Halo and frozen pizza! Now comes the big question, is this the woman for you?
We’ve all met some wonderful women, and probably have made some great friends along the way, but none of them were the one we felt called to spend our lives with. Before rushing into proposing, or continuing a serious relationship, we need to ask ourselves what makes this woman different? What are some of the qualities that make us think she is “the one”?
It’s not fair to her to string her along just because you are afraid of rejection or losing what you have. You need to be intentional, and to be intentional, you need to be able to decide, and these signs can help you in your decision.
1. Does she exhibit faith?
I think the biggest factor in a successful marriage and raising kids will be your wife’s faith. She will not only ground you and help you get to heaven, but she will be helping to form the little saints you hope to raise. She doesn’t need to be a saint herself right now, but is she making an effort to learn more and become better? You are not going to meet the perfect woman. We are all imperfect and flawed, so realize this!
One sign that she takes things seriously is if she frequents Mass and the Sacraments. Does she say a daily rosary? Does she wear a scapular? These could be good ways to see how she lives out her faith. If she's got these in hand, you’re well on your way! If she’s not there yet in her Faith journey, is she open to talking about it and learning why Mass and the Sacraments, in particular, are so important? That accepting all of the Church’s teachings is necessary? If so, then maybe you can continue to grow together and continue to a deeper or more committed relationship.
2. Is she good with, and wants, kids?
Yeah, I know, this is a “duh” moment. Of course, this is something you’d look for! But it’s worth mentioning in a world today that is less focused on children and more focused on careers and pets. Too often, even among Catholic women (and men) I know, they want to artificially limit the number of children to be able to continue their careers and lifestyle.
The purpose of marriage is to help you both get to heaven, but also to bring any and all children with you. Being on the same page here is important. Maybe you are older, and having kids is either unlikely or impossible. Is she willing to work with you in helping others and living a life of service?
3. Is she willing to sacrifice?
Sacrificing oneself for another is a cornerstone to any relationship, but especially in marriage! Often, I wonder at people I see today who are not intentionally selfish, but honestly have no clue what it is to sacrifice something for another! That can be learned, but it’s something you should consider. Does she sacrifice for you? This could be little things like taking time out of her day for you when you haven’t asked for it. Giving up a little sleep to talk with you if you are struggling or having a bad day.
Does she sacrifice for others in giving time to help at Church, and her family? Does she help her friends when they need it? Does she give up some comforts or conveniences if they are going against her faith and morals? There are thousands of ways one can sacrifice for another! Make sure you take time to be aware and to appreciate and thank her for her efforts!
4. Does she have your best interests in mind?
True love is willing the best for the other. Does your girlfriend hold you accountable and to a high standard? Does she pray for you? Does she encourage you in your good pursuits, and chastise you when you are wrong? Is she sensitive to things that may cause you difficulty to remain pure, and is she willing to help? Helping to foster and encourage the best in you isn’t just her supporting you in the good, but also in calling you out when you need it.
5. Can she manage a household?
I realize that this might get some groans and thoughts of “what, are we in medieval times?” But let’s take a look at it before you throw this out as some chauvinist attitude. What happens if you get (or are) sick, or disabled? For whatever reason, whether you choose it or it happens later, you need to know you both can handle running the home. Can she take care of things if you aren’t able to? Does she get her bills paid on time, or is she always telling you how she waited too long? Does she manage her time well?
Again, even if she hasn’t learned or is in the process of learning, doesn’t mean you need to break up. But if she already has these qualities, things are looking good!
6. Does she accept you where you are?
This isn’t meant to be a cop-out for us in our lives. We can’t be slobs, sinful, or animals and sit there thinking that a woman should just accept us and be ok with our flaws without us improving. We all have our vices, sins, habits, or challenges. Some things we can and should change. If you are addicted to a specific sin, you better be working on it! Out of shape? You better be working on it! Not in a good financial situation? You get the idea.
All that being said, can she forgive your past and struggles, while helping and encouraging you in your efforts? There’s a fine line between her accepting and “being ok with”. If she’s fine with you being addicted to something, living like an animal, overindulging, etc., then see above where she doesn’t truly have your best interests in mind. If you have one or any of these problems or challenges, being honest with her is a necessity.
A note here to my fellow chronically ill or disabled guys—this is especially tough for us to find, and very important. Having these challenges adds to the stresses of a relationship and makes it that much harder to find a woman willing to see us, not our illness/disability. The woman willing to look past those challenges to see you for who you are is out there!
Signs that she accepts you, challenges and all, could be if she researches your issues. Does she try to learn about them? Does she accept your true limitations without trying to force you to do more than you are capable of? Is she happy and willing to find unconventional ways or outside-the-box ideas to have fun and spend time together? Sometimes it can be hard not to wonder if it’s pity or truly accepting on her part, so if in doubt, ask others who know you both what they think.
Don’t dawdle!
You’ve gotten to this point. Once these six considerations are all resolved in her favor, don’t waste time! If she’s faithful, sacrificial, and mature, your search may be over! Lightning might not strike you, there might not be a single moment where you KNOW, but being prayerfully aware of these and other qualities will help you decide that this woman may be the one you want to share your life with. Be decisive and enjoy the journey!
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