“When was your last relationship?” asked Nick. He was tall, attractive, and Protestant. He was someone I matched with on Hinge. He lived an hour away – something new for a chronic long-distance dater like myself.
This is a deceptively revealing question to answer when you feel pathologically single.
My Catholic dating history primarily stars men who live in other states (or countries) and drag me along for months of “are we going to date for real or not?” before ultimately pulling the plug. These almost-relationships start out optimistic despite the distance but eventually crumble because of said distance.
Nick responded, “I highly recommend avoiding long distance relationships unless they start close and then have to shift to long distance. Personally, I won’t go over 1hr and 15 min drive anymore.”
I bristled at his response. It was so practical and not the least bit romantic.
If the love of my life wouldn’t travel to see me, then was that a relationship that is worth fighting for? I didn’t want someone to choose me just because I was convenient, and yet I couldn’t deny the struggle of dating someone who isn't consistently physically present.
But my impractically hopeless romantic heart had been bludgeoned by attempts to date men thousands of miles away. The requirement to be open to long distance felt like a requirement for online Catholic dating. The simple fact is that most of us in smaller towns don’t have a plethora of dating options. Casting a wide net via online dating seems necessary. And there are plenty of marriage stories on Catholic Match that prove long-distance dating can end in success.
So how do we go about long-distance dating in a way that broadens our options while protecting our hearts? How do we open ourselves to opportunity without allowing ourselves to be dragged along for months of “are we going to date or not?”.
If I could go back in time and put on my big-sister hat, this is what I would tell myself.
- Limit The Pre-Dating Stage
If you’ve already dated long-distance on Catholic Match, you’re very familiar with this stage. It’s not quite the ‘talking stage’ because you already know you like each other and want to date, but you’re not sure if you’re going to take the long-distance dating plunge.
This is the stage where you exist in a bubble of hope and optimism. Your daily life doesn’t change, but your thoughts start to wander to a potential future with this person. Your days are punctuated by phone calls or FaceTimes and you start to feel the growing pressure to figure out where things are going.
It’s best not to live in this stage too long because it ultimately leads to confusion and expectation. If the long-distance ‘talking stage’ lasted a couple weeks, the ‘pre-dating stage’ should last another three weeks, tops. At that point, you should have your first visit on the calendar with the agreement to decide if you’re officially dating or not afterwards.
I once convinced myself to stay in a pre-dating stage for too long and then after I visited him for three days in-person, he still didn’t know if he wanted to date. Cue blaring alarms and flashing red lights.
Keeping yourself in a cycle of hope and anticipation for months on end makes the disappointment that much greater. Time in limbo also allows your hope to grow to a point where it eclipses the obvious red flags waving in your face. The same guy who disappoints you at the dissolution of the almost-relationship will most likely have already disappointed you by missing phone calls, leaving your texts on read, talking to other girls, and failing to progress the relationship in an appropriate manner.
- Is The Effort Equal?
Which brings us to our next point. When it comes to a long-distance relationship, you basically have to be 110% sure you want to pursue this person and willing to put in 10/10 effort. It’s not even going to work if you're 100% and they’re 95%, or vice versa. Part of the reason why it’s so hard to start a relationship as an LDR (long-distance relationship) is because you naturally become more committed as you grow closer over time. Those who are willing to begin a relationship as an LDR are taking a leap of faith based off of the initial chemistry, complementarity, and data you’ve collected.
But what happens when one person is more willing to jump in than the other? Or when one person is more cautious? It creates an imbalance of pursuit and effort. And when things become unequal in these two areas, feelings are more likely to be hurt. It takes two willing people to make any relationship work, but for a long distance relationship, you need to be particularly crazy about each other.
So if you find yourself on the cusp of a long-distance relationship, ask yourself: “Are we both putting in the same amount of effort to progress this?” “Are we both committed to giving this a fair try?” “Is he just waiting around for something better to come by? Am I waiting for something better?” “Do I feel like I’ve found something truly special in this person?” “Am I willing to give this my all, based on how I feel about them so far?”
- Visit Sooner Rather Than Later
Tying into our no.1 tip, get that first visit on the calendar ASAP. The less time you have to get pre-maturely emotionally attached, the better. In normal dating culture, you would go out on a couple in-person dates before deciding to continue dating. In LDR dating world, you have weeks to months of first-date conversations and virtual chemistry building before testing it in person. Physical chemistry, mannerisms, behavior, etc., all play vital roles in determining whether you’re attracted to someone’s whole person. The sooner you know that you’re actually into them, the sooner you have to decide if you’re going to take the relationship seriously. The talking/pre-dating stage naturally feels more casual because it’s all virtual and you have less skin in the game, but there’s nothing like an in-person meet-up to make you realize that you’re dealing with a very real human being with expectations.
Not every almost-relationship is going to look the same, but after that first in-person meet-up, both parties should know whether they’re on board or not. If they’re not, the attraction and interest is not enough to make it through the difficulties of an LDR.
- Have Strong Emotional & Physical Boundaries
On a similar note, when you meet in-person, be sure to have strong emotional and physical boundaries. The chemistry you’ve built online can make you feel more committed to this person than they are to you. You might feel like you’re already in a relationship because of the weeks of buildup. But if neither of you have made a verbal agreement to be in a relationship, keep those healthy boundaries up!
Once I finally visited a guy I was almost-dating – we had spent days kissing, handholding, cuddling, and emotionally opening up. Then this man had the audacity to look me in the face and tell me he might decide a few days later that he didn’t actually want to date me. Excuse me? In my brain, all of that behavior was confirmation that we were indeed dating. I wouldn’t have done all of those things with someone I wasn’t dating. In my boundaryless state, I had assumed we had an unspoken agreement to take the plunge and officially date. Wrong.
It serves as no surprise that we didn't end up dating and I ultimately felt totally led on and used by this guy. If I could go back in time, I would have made my physical boundaries clear prior to visiting (if I had paid attention to earlier red flags, I wouldn’t have visited in the first place). Remember, physical boundaries inform emotional boundaries. Learn from my mistakes, people!
Conclusion...
It is not impossible to have success with a relationship that starts out long-distance. It’s hard, but certainly worth it if you meet the person you eventually will marry. Be prepared to have conversations early on about your relationship timeline and how long you will date long-distance before one of you moves closer. A relationship can start out long-distance, but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Relationships need effort and commitment to grow, but they also need shared lived experiences.
If you’re feeling discouraged while trying to get to know people long-distance, remember to create balance in the locations of the people you date. For every long distance almost-relationship, make an equal effort to date someone who lives closer to you. It can be disheartening to feel like you weren’t “worth the effort” long-distance, but remember that the reason the relationship didn’t work out probably has little to do with you. Keep your heart optimistic and open, but fiercely protect your boundaries from people who are confused about how they feel about you.
When you meet the right person, they will make it clear that you are worth pursuing – regardless of distance.
