Dating a Person Versus Dating Your Vocation

How many times have you said or heard one of these phrases?

“I feel called to get married.”

“I only want to date my future husband.”

“God told me to find a good mother for my children.”

“You should only date when you’re ready to tie the knot.”

People often vociferously declare their vocation to marriage like this, but letting that mindset dictate dating can really hold you back.

I know, I might as well have dropped a spider into a kindergarten tea party. Why would I say such a thing on a Catholic dating website?!!

Stick with me for a minute, and I promise your vocation will still be marriage.

I’d like to discuss the overwhelming focus on getting married.

Yes, it’s very important to know that dating = wanting to get married eventually, and yes, daters need to keep that in mind when they get into a more serious relationship. But is it possible to focus too much on the "vocation" part of dating? Yes.

There’s a problem with trying to discern marriage as soon as you click on a profile, or talk on the phone, or even go on a first date. It’s an easy trap to fall into, trying to discern marriage with a virtual stranger.

But think of it this way. When that’s the mindset, everything you do, think, and say will be colored by the lens of discerning marriage. Your entire perception of your dates will be filtered more than any Instagram selfie. When you’re trying to discern marriage with profiles or voices on the phone, you’re just hunting a potential marriage. This isn’t dating someone: this is dating your vocation. 

And you can’t date a person when you date your vocation!

You see, dating your vocation misses the important part: the actual person you are dating.

That's the whole point of marriage: the person who will enter the marriage vocation with you, not just the marriage vocation itself. You can’t get married to marriage, you have to get married to a person.

Dating should reflect that. One date or many, that other person is who you should be focusing on. We know not to objectify others based on their physical appearance, career, income, etc. Similarly, evaluating other people’s profiles based on “could I marry them?” is actually another form of objectification. Why? It makes the other person a means to an end, in this case, marriage.

Keeping marriage in mind without dating your vocation is a fine line! And a very hard line to find. How do you balance keeping marriage in mind with dating the actual person in front of you?

Good news, folks. It’s mostly a mindset switch. When that fateful question “can I marry this person?” crops up, brush it aside. That question should be saved for when you’re in an exclusive, at-least-four-dates-in relationship. (Don’t even think about asking that question when you’re looking at a profile picture!)

Instead, while you’re browsing profiles, talking on the phone, and dating around, try asking these questions: 

• Who are they? 
• What makes them tick? 
• What could I bring into their life? 
• What might God want them to accomplish?
• How can I help them? 
• Why are they interested in me? 
• What if this person was not of romantic interest?

Notice how only one of these questions has to do with “me.” The other person is an important part of your focus during this time. When you come to dating by looking at the other person first, you’re practicing for marriage, because marriage is not just about you. Therefore, dating is not just about you, either. It all has to start by thinking about the other person.

That’s the whole point of marriage: your spouse, your partner, serving them. Dating should reflect that, if you’re dating in order to marry one day!

This simple mindset switch can help you recenter and refocus.

Simply cut out the “who you could marry” phrase for a while. Stop looking at someone to marry, and start looking at someone. Look simply at the people in front of you. Ask the list of questions we went through, reflect on the answers, spend some time wondering what their favorite color is. 

Stop thinking about how to discern with them after the first phone call. Stop worrying whether or not you have interpreted prayer correctly and whether it’s pointing at them. Wipe away that vocation-to-marriage filter and practice just perceiving people.

Try to appreciate how God made them. That’s how we’re called to view each person around us, married, single, old, young. That’s how God looks at us, after all. Individually, with no filters of what each one of us could bring Him. We should do the same.

If you simplify dating to this for a while, something new will happen. Honestly, I don’t know how exactly things will change, and I don’t know what you will learn. But I guarantee it will surprise you.