The Importance of Detoxing From a Spouse After Divorce

After my ex and I separated, we continued to spend time together.

She had recently confessed an extramarital affair. It was like a bomb had dropped and now both of us were stumbling blindly through the ashes, trying to find our way. We still loved each other. That made it harder. If we had hated each other, it would have been a much cleaner break.

After months of struggle, tears, confusion, and prayer, we decided to start our divorce paperwork. I moved out and got my own place. But we continued to hang out. Not every day or even every week. But we would meet occasionally for lunch or to see a movie.

When an alcoholic quits drinking abruptly, their body rebels.

The person has become used to the drug over time and doesn’t know how to live without it. Their hands shake, their hearts speed up, they sweat, and get dizzy and agitated. Some people even hallucinate.

Why does this happen? Heavy prolonged drinking disrupts the brain’s neurotransmitters, increasing feelings of pleasure and suppressing excitability. But when you quit cold turkey, those neurotransmitters suddenly rebound, causing brain hyperexcitability that results in the withdrawal symptoms.

Abruptly quitting a person has the same effect. That’s why a loved one’s death can cause similar symptoms to alcohol detox. We weep, heave, tremble, get disoriented and agitated. Some even hallucinate, seeing their lost loved one in the faces of passing strangers.

Divorce is very much like death. It forces us to cope with a sudden, devastating loss.

I spent nearly every day with my wife for six years.

When we split, she was still in my system. Learning to live without her would not be easy.

So in the months after our separation, we continued to spend time together. I’d drive to our old apartment to visit our dog. We’d text or make sporadic phone calls, checking in on each other. We’d occasionally get lunch at one of our old favorite restaurants, eating burgers, and catching up and laughing as if nothing had changed.

I started to wonder if this was healthy. Concerned, I asked my mom about it. She said there are no hard and fast rules for this kind of thing, so if I felt like seeing her, I should just do it. So I did, for a while.

But one day, everything changed.

We went to see a movie and get a bite to eat afterward. But something inside me switched that day. It just felt…wrong.

A few days later, she emailed to ask if I wanted to have lunch. I told her we needed to stop seeing each other. I knew we were not going to get back together. One day we would both move on and heal. When I married her, it was to be my wife, not my hang-out buddy. So why continue to prolong the inevitable?

She responded a few days later, saying she hadn’t stopped crying but she understood.

If you’re deeply attached to someone, whether it’s a former spouse or a dating partner, it can be tempting to try to maintain that connection.

If you have children together, it’s different, of course. You’ll need to interact in a civil way for the children’s sake. But if you know there’s no chance of reconciliation, I believe it’s wise and healthy to make a clean break and move on.

It will hurt, just like detoxing from a drug hurts. But eventually, the cravings will subside.

The painful withdrawal symptoms will gradually fade. And one day, you’ll wake up and realize you’re actually feeling well without them. You have a fresh perspective and a clear outlook.

Whether you like it or not, after divorce, your life has changed. You can’t be the same person or have the same life you had before. When you try to hang on to that, everyone gets stuck.

Making a clean break and moving on is an act of love—toward your former spouse and yourself.

You’re doing what’s healthiest for both of you. Like me, you may have to experience a period of slow, gradual detox. Don’t fault yourself for that. It’s natural.

Smokers who quit cigarettes report feeling happier and healthier after they’ve beat the early cravings. They feel fresher and breathe easier. But even former smokers sometimes get nostalgic. The random smell of cigarette smoke might trigger a fond memory or a warm feeling. That’s okay. The drug had been a part of their life for a long time. They’re allowed to occasionally miss what they had. But they don’t have to go back to it.  Life has changed. They’re different now, and better for it.

If you’re in this situation, pray about it. God wants us to be healthy and happy. Ask God what he wants for you and your former spouse. Ask what will be best for both of you. Then rely on his strength and grace to help you. Rely on good friends and family too. Surround yourself with people and resources that will help you get through the detox process and move on. If you’re like me, you’ll be glad you did.