Who Am I Now? How To Find Your Bearings After Divorce

After my divorce, I completely lost my bearings.

I felt lonely and confused, like I completely lost my bearing on life and reality. It felt like the world had caved in on me and I had to slowly climb my way out of it.

After I initially moved back home with my parents, I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I lived there for nine months saving up money for a new apartment and continuing my healing work.

Looking back, I saw when I got married I was very emotionally insecure and thought I was happy and fulfilled because now I was “married.” I didn’t know who I was before I got married. Now that I was no longer civilly married (I was waiting for a declaration of nullity from our diocesan tribunal), I knew I needed to spend time discovering who I was after my divorce.

Who am I now? What's next?

Who was Patty now that she wasn’t a wife? How would this new chapter of life unfold? How would I move forward and heal from this experience? What would I do know? How would I rediscover myself as a woman in a way I never knew before I had gotten married?

If you have known the pain of a divorce, I am sure you asked these or other similar questions as you tried to maneuver this new life.

I don’t know about you, but one of the hardest, most confusing things at times, was trying to figure out my identity now that it was just me by myself. I had no husband or any children. I had to rebuild a new life for myself all on my own.

Here are some things that helped me find myself after my divorce.

1. Taking up a new (maybe physically demanding!) hobby.

I started using the app Couch to 5LK when I was married and very quickly running became a healthy way to handle the chaos I was living in. I did my first half marathon two months before I moved out. After my divorce, I joined a running group. This has helped my stay focused and committed to a lifestyle of running. Since then, I have run two more half marathons and last October I ran my first marathon. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. This October, I’ll do my second marathon.

Find a form of exercise that not only makes you feel good physically but helps you deal with pain or stress in a healthy way. Maybe for you it's CrossFit or swimming.

Just get up and do something.

2. Find a community, even if it's just a virtual one to start.

As the oldest of three kids, I always wanted an older sister. While I have a great relationship with my younger sister, I always wished I had someone older than me I could go to for help or ask questions or just for encouragement in life.

I found a beautiful, encouraging community of sisters in Blessed is She. As a part of the writers' team, I have gotten so close with the other women writing and working with Blessed is She. It has been a sense of sisterhood I have wanted my whole life, and these sisters were so loving and supportive of me as I navigated the waters of divorce.

Initially, we all just started out as “online friends” as we all worked together. But now we have met in real life. We know each other's joys, struggles, and fears. If you are a woman in need of deeper sisterhood with other Catholic women, I would encourage you to check out Blessed is She and join one of our regional Facebook groups.

3. Be bold and adventurous.

No, you do not have to necessarily jump out of a plane. But look for all different kinds of adventures or new things to try with others or by yourself.

For me, it was as small sometimes as going to a new coffee shop and spending an afternoon writing or reading. One time I went to a nicer restaurant by myself. Several times I went to the movies by myself.

I completed my first marathon and joined a running club. I did some travel out of state with close friends for conferences and retreats. And I got my second tattoo, “You are enough” to remind my in this new season of life I was enough just the way I was; regardless of if I ever re-married for not. I started dipping my toes into the world of freelance writing and have been excited to for the opportunities that has brought me.

I know you probably feel scared and lonely. But do not wait to start living and enjoying your life because your marriage ended. Be adventurous. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to find beauty, joy, and goodness in your life again.

How did you rediscover yourself after your divorce? What new activities did you try?