These 5 Things Will Help You Survive Your Divorce

Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a person can suffer.

Some soldiers who have returned home from war report that their divorce was more traumatic than their battlefield experiences. Full of dreams and hope and love, we commit to another person, and then the dream is shattered. So how do we even start to recover from a loss like that? I’ve been through it, and here are five suggestions to keep in mind that I have found helpful in my own recovery from divorce.

Remember, you are not your divorce.

As a kid, I fell off some monkey bars and broke my arm. My dad took me to the doctor and they set my arm in a cast. It was traumatic at the time, but eventually, my arm healed. That was many years ago. Today my once-broken arm works fine. 

My fall off the monkey bars was an experience, but it did not define me. I am not forever the kid who broke his arm. My story is bigger than that. So is yours. You may go through terrible experiences, but they are not the sum of who you are. They may mark you, but they don’t define you. That includes divorce. 

You are not a divorced person. It’s just one more experience life has thrown your way. You are you, intrinsically valuable and loved by God, regardless of divorce or any other events you have endured. 

Pain is part of life.

There’s no use denying it. Nobody gets through life unscathed by pain and failure. You should be surprised if you didn’t ever suffer failures and losses. Live long enough and you’ll lose and suffer. You may have never imagined divorce being a possibility in your life, but here it is.

I always swore I’d never get divorced like my parents and friends and brother and uncles. But it happened. And that’s part of life. And we must accept the reality of the bad if we are to move on. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, there is “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…” Life consists of the good and the bad. Let’s accept the loss along with the love, and keep living. 

Let time do its work.

It’s a cliche that time heals all wounds. But cliches are cliches for a reason. Because they are true. On some level, your pain from a trauma like divorce will never completely evaporate. You lived and loved, and that means hurt and regret and grief when it’s lost.

But, take it from me, the pain does subside with time. We get further away from the ground zero of our divorce and we accumulate new experiences, and we heal. We just have to be patient and endure. As James 1:4 says: “And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

Distract yourself.

When I went through my divorce, I found it helpful to distract myself. Distracting yourself is not a bad thing. It’s not healthy to be wholly consumed by one thing in your life, like divorce. I would go for a run and listen to an audiobook. I’m a screenwriter, so I focused on writing new scripts. Getting lost in the world of a new story and characters helped take the focus off my own personal pain. It was a healthy distraction.

Maybe you’re not a writer, but you have some interests that you can pursue to take your mind off the pain of your divorce. Pursue your passions. Distractions can be a good and healthy thing. They can help us get through the darkest times until we are healthy enough to move forward. 

Be grateful.

“In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

How do we give thanks for the collapse of our marriage and the life and dreams we once had? Well, we don’t have to be happy about those things happening. It’s only right and normal to feel angry, sad, and bitter about them. But we can also acknowledge that there was probably some good in our previous relationship. However unhealthy it became or however it ended, we can thank God for the good that was in it, even if that good was just our innocent hope for a good, true love. 

And, though we may not be able to see it now, we can also be thankful that God is bringing good out of the tragedy of our failed relationship. That’s what He does. We may have to adjust our vision to see a new way of life He has in store for us. But we can always rest assured that He loves us and everything He does is for our good. I believe that, and I’ve found it to be true, as I look back on my divorce from the vantage point of a new and better life. 

Hopefully, these five tips help. Divorce and recovery is a long, messy process, and I still remind myself of these things today. Remember, there is hope, so don’t give up. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).