I Am Marrying a Stranger

I am getting married in a few months. For the second time.

Actually, it will be my first sacramental marriage since my previous one was annulled. 

What do I know going into a marital relationship the second time around? Hopefully I’m wiser, healthier, and more capable of loving better. I also know this… I am marrying a stranger.

What do I mean by that? 

Of course I know the woman I’m marrying. She’s a few years younger than me. She’s smart, pretty, and we share the same sense of humor. I know her dad is a retired preacher and she grew up in a few different states. She loves God. She loves history. 

Our politics are not a perfect match, but I’ve also learned you don’t have to see eye to eye on every single thing to love someone. That’s what love is: loving someone along with their uniqueness and differences. 

I used to believe in the idea of soulmates. As I get older, I see things a bit differently. 

If soulmates existed, we’d be screwed. Because if we met our one cosmically exclusive mate but something went wrong and we were separated from them, then the romantics would be right: we would truly have no need to go on living. But it happens all the time, and people go on.

Today, I don’t really believe in soulmates. I believe in beautiful strangers. I believe that we’re called to do our best to love others, and if we’re fortunate enough to have that 'other' be part of a romantic relationship, then we should relish it while expecting the inevitable challenges that loving another fallible person brings.

No matter how long or how well we’ve known the one we love, we always marry a stranger. 

We come to marriage as half-formed human beings, and that’s if we’re lucky. We are, all of us, in a continual state of growth and evolution. It’s hard enough sometimes to understand ourselves, let alone another person. To complicate matters, we change as we get older.

You never solve the mystery of another person because the mystery keeps evolving. You never crack the code because the code keeps changing. That’s just the way it is. And that’s why it takes faith, dependence on God, and a huge amount of courage to make a lifelong commitment to another person. 

When times get hard or we get restless or the grass looks greener, we worry if we married the right person. 

But here’s a secret: you never marry the right person. Because that person doesn’t exist. 

You just marry another person willing to take the same leap of faith.

I feel great affection, genuine love, and fierce loyalty toward my future bride. But I also know that, on some level, I can never fully know her. I don’t believe that’s the goal anyway. People aren’t puzzles to solve. They’re treasures to try to cherish.

If you are thinking of moving into marriage with someone, be wise and do the work of getting to know them. Spend a lot of time together. Get to know each other’s qualities and foibles. Pray and seek God. But also recognize you are always marrying another mystery. 

I’m glad I’m marrying a stranger. 

We are not two robots who can perfectly program and understand each other. What would be the fun in that anyway? 

We are two living, breathing mysteries who will commit to love one another in the greater mystery of marriage. 

One thing I am sure of: there will be surprises and challenges ahead, along with great love, affection, and adventure. Really, what other way could it be? Life itself is a great mystery. But if we entrust ourselves to God and commit to loving in the way He calls us to, we don’t have to fear the mystery. We can even enjoy it. 

So here’s to love, new beginnings, and not having everything figured out. Here’s to beautiful strangers.