Culture Shock: How to Manage Different Cultures While Dating
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How do you cross-culture date successfully?
I clearly remember my date apologizing that he had to take a call while we were Ubering to a restaurant. He pulled out his ringing phone and answered: “Mrhbaan ya 'ami kayf halk? . . . la , 'ana aqwd alan. . .”
Unintelligible chatter from the other end.
Smiling at me, he obviously said something about his current companion (me!) to the lady on the line. I knew him well enough to know he wasn't gossiping or plotting to kidnap me with the femme-fatale phone-accomplice, but nevertheless it was strange, being on a date and trying to get to know someone while having a huge chunk of their lives—their very words—be completely inaccessible to me.
This dilemma—having your date’s world make little sense to you—plays out in numerous ways on a daily basis for many would-be and current couples. Someone scares you off because they want you to meet their family or talk about marriage on date two. Someone thinks you’re too forward, or not forward enough. Someone confuses you by not meeting your eyes or holding your hand. The world is becoming increasingly “globalized” by the day, and dating—especially online dating, which gives 1-click access to people from anywhere—has become more cross-cultural than ever.
So, what is a dater like yourself supposed to do? Here’s some things to help you cross-culture date successfully:
Don’t make it weird. AKA, it’s normal to talk about differences.
Everyone’s different. No matter who you end up with, whether they live down the street or across the world, you’re going to have to figure them out and learn how best to get along. Of course, you'll need to agree on your core values, but as long as that person respects your beliefs and culture in return, practice being patient and understanding.
Handling differences and trying to see things from others’ perspectives is an incredibly useful skill you can carry with you into all walks of life: your family relationships, your workplace, friendships, and more!
Be the student.
Most people are happy to be the experts and tell you all about themselves or something they know well—go ahead and be the eager student.
It’s one of the fun perks of dating and in general, being a member of the human race. Go ahead and ask questions, take a bite of that weird-looking food, or stumble over simple phrases in Chinese, French, or Spanish. Best case scenario? You find something new to love and it brings you and your date closer together. Worst case scenario? You have something to laugh about later and a great story!
Another perk: You also get to share YOUR favorite traditions, customs, and foods with someone and give them a taste of your culture!
Don’t stereotype—Let your date pick their box.
I know many people of African, Asian, Hispanic, and Middle Eastern descent who get frustrated by the constant question: “But where are you FROM?” even after they explain they’ve been in the US their whole life, and NO they DON’T speak anything but English. I got this question about my four-year-old siblings just because they’re black—and they were born in the same Midwest county as I!
You’d hate it if someone insinuated you clearly must have a certain job, language, or vices because of how you look. Do your date (and society) a favor and let them decide which pieces of their culture they embrace—and which they gladly kick to the curb. You may be more similar than you think.
Family matters.
Family expectations may be exceedingly different in other cultures. Especially if you get more serious and start planning a future together, you may feel like you’re stepping on toes, or your family thinks you’re making a mistake by having this boyfriend or girlfriend.
Just be as gracious as you can and explain that you and/or your significant other are learning as you go because you care. At the end of the day, you may not please everyone, but most family members will appreciate that their daughter/son/brother/sister are happy and being treated well.
Be safe.
There’s a reason our mothers told us to be wary of strangers. You just don’t know whether someone is safe until time proves it. This is just as true of the man from Guatemala you message online and the FedEx guy who drops off your new phone case. However, a con gets easier to pull off with each layer of distance between you, whether that is physical miles, text bubbles on a screen instead of voice calls, language barriers, or frequency of contact.
Never send money to someone you've met online, no matter how believable his or her story is. When you do meet someone who lives a long distance from you, video chat with them as soon as possible. And then if you meet in person, always meet in a public place, and drive separately. You’ll know if they care about your safety too by how they respond to your concerns. Write them off or at least be VERY wary if they brush your concerns aside or pressure you to do something.
Don't excuse bad behavior.
If they are controlling or trying to force their beliefs upon you, then they’re simply disrespectful. You need to speak up if they’re crossing a line or dismissing or attacking something important to you. End the relationship if there are ANY signs of manipulation, control, or abuse—especially if your date thinks it’s acceptable behavior. This of course goes for any person you date.
So, grab your maps and Google translate and happy dating to you all! Enjoy the adventure, I wish you a happy ending.
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