Do I Need to Marry a Catholic?
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I have this friend named Karen who I run into about once a year. Our kids grew up doing plays together so we always have a "Where are they now?" chat session. I really enjoy our catch up talks and I think she does too. We click; we have lots in common and we're both alike religiously.
So anyway, the last time I ran into her she told me she was concerned because one her sons was planning to marry outside of his religion.
Actually, he was planning to marry a Catholic. You see, Karen is Presbyterian.
Guess what? I was not offended. When I said we were alike religiously I mean that Karen is committed to being Presbyterian the same way I'm committed to being Catholic.
So it was funny. I was standing there genuinely sympathizing with her. I said things like, "That would bug me too." We talked about all the reasons why.
For starters, her son might change his religion. When you have raised your children to love your faith as much as you do, the last thing you want is for them to bail on it later. Then there are the grandchildren to think of. If Dad is one way and Mom is another—what are the kids supposed to think? You don't want a tug of war—Mom's right. Dad's wrong. Dad's right. Mom's wrong. Far worse, to both of us, was the very real possibility of "Oh, who cares? It doesn't make any difference."
Yes it does! This is Jesus we're talking about. I wouldn't bother to practice Catholicism if I didn't believe He founded the Catholic Church and promised to stay with her until the end of time. Even though the various Protestant denominations share some of our beliefs, they certainly do not profess this. And it's big. Every other issue flows from it. The last thing a married couple needs is to debate it until the Big Voice in the Sky announces: Will the REAL Jesus please stand up?
I thought of Karen yesterday when I ran across this little gem, Is it Okay to Date a Non-Catholic?
The author's bottom line answer: It depends.
A priest named Fr. Ezaki explains why it's not a good idea for a Catholic to marry a non-Catholic. The full story is found in my latest book, Yes, God.
Fr. Ezaki was raised by a devout Catholic mother and Buddist father. I know what you are thinking: Wait! He's a priest. It turned out okay! Yeah, for him it did. And his dad eventually became a Catholic too. But, the other five kids in the family left the Church. "Dad was a good man and he didn't need it," they say.
Marriage is tough. Raising kids is tough. Being the same religion is a major plus. For the same reason, the profile questions on CatholicMatch help you meet someone who has compatible core beliefs. We don't just want marriages here. We want lasting, working, harmonious marriages!
Nevertheless, the article is right. It depends.
How do you know if you've got an exception going on? Ask yourself these questions about your intended:
Is he hostile to my Faith? Ideal answer: No.
Does she respect my Faith? This needs to be a yes.
Does he only tolerate my Faith? If so, it won't last. Catholicism is annoying to non-Catholics, especially the no birth control part.
Does she encourage my Faith? This is a really good sign.
Does he go with me to Mass sometimes? If so, does he get anything out of it? It's nice if he wants to please you, but way better if he sees the value in it for its own sake.
Is she curious about my Faith? Good. Have some debates if you have to. If you get married, you'll have them eventually.
Does he plan to help me raise the kids Catholic? For example: He would tell the kids they have to go with you to Mass and go himself to make it stick. Fr. Ezaki says that if his dad had gone to Mass too, it would have made all the difference.
Think about the answers. How important is the Faith to you? If it's very important and some of the answers above point to potential problems, you may end up having to choose. And that hurts. If you choose a human over God, you might resent that human. If you choose God over a human you really care about, you'll suffer heartbreak. Even if you know you did the right thing.
So think about it—hard—before you get in deep. Religion is deeply personal. Anyone who says religion doesn't matter never had one.
That's fundamentally why Karen and I get along. Even though we're different, we both know how much it matters and we respect each other for it.
How much more it should be for a husband and wife.
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