Lessons From an Apocalyptic Sushi Date

The word ‘apocalypse’ means ‘unveiling,’ which may be why a marriage is both a death to self and traditionally starts with the unveiling of the bride. But what the story I'm about to share reveals is something that you need to know well before marriage, and indeed deals with a casual date rather than with a story ending in matrimony.

Once upon a time, a beautiful Irish lass agreed to a date with me...

In my later college years, I was given the distinct honor of taking a beautiful, young Irish woman out on a date. She was smart, she was beautiful, and (to her ultimate detriment) she was adventurous. On this particular date, we had agreed on an Asian-fusion restaurant which specialized in many dishes. She was catching a train to meet me, and I had driven into the city separately. As I was making my way to the restaurant, my date texted me to let me know that she had missed her train, and so would be very late. With little trouble, I pushed our reservation.

Knowing that this woman was Irish (and late), I decided to go to a dive bar around the corner and had a Guinness while I waited for her. Halfway through my pint, she texted me again. The poor girl had meant to text her roommate; but instead, she had texted me.

I do not recall precisely what she said, but it was something like, “Going out with that guy, and I’m pretty nervous, so I’m going to get pissed.” (Which means, reader, drunk.) The next text read, “He’s cute, and I’m late because my doctor’s appointment ran long. You know that infected toe-nail I had? Well, it was full of puss and it fell off while I was at the doctors.”

Her next two text messages were frantic and all capitalized asking me not to read her previous texts. I already had.

We finally make it to dinner, where things went from humorous to hysterical.

When she showed up for dinner, she was mortified, and I was smiling broadly. There was no need to be embarrassed, as I told her. I offered to buy her a drink, we laughed about the flaws in modern human communication, and then we moved on to ordering our meal. That is when the evening transcended from humorous to hysterical.

As I said, her adventurousness was what led to her downfall. The poor Irish lass with skin of purest white had never had sushi and thought she would try it. She knew little of California, but what she did know was that it has absurd love for the avocado. And so when her meal came out, delicate and rich fish with crisp vegetables, wrapped in rice, she saw that small wad of green on the corner of her plate. Assuming it to be the prized fruit of the west coast, she popped it into her mouth. I saw only too late.

The fair-skinned young woman, so full of laughs and smiles, was suddenly overwrought with tears, and the skin from her collar upwards was redder even than her hair. The dawns of the Odyssey were not even thus coloured. The poor dear had eaten a large portion of wasabi, and the heat on her unaccustomed palate was unbearable.

She lunged for a cup of water, and, sipping it as quickly as her straw would allow, allowed me to witness first-hand just how interconnected the nasal passage is to the throat. As she attempted to douse the horseradish induced flames, she sucked from the straw so forcefully that water shot from both nostrils onto her plate, where her sushi lay still untouched.

I offered her my water, my napkin, and asked her if she needed the restroom. And as she went to regain her composure. I sat at the table, highly amused and not laughing until she was in a mood to laugh, too.

When the poor woman returned, I believe my words were, “There’s a dive around the corner. Do you want to leave and have a Guinness instead?” Though many have found relief in the drink, I doubt that anyone was more gratified than she at the promise of a proper stout.

And the moral of the story is...

And so, what is it that we can take away from this apocalyptic date? Several things.

There is always room for kindness. Laughter is the best medicine, but only if all parties find it funny. A sense of humor is imperative in life, but even more so while dating. And most to the point—these are the moments that can lead you to understand the kind of person you need in a marriage.

Now, I did not marry the Irish woman, but she taught me that whatever wife I might have would need to be able to laugh at herself as this lass had. In short, this woman probably taught me what proper mortification ought to look like. She unveiled the necessity of humor in love, and for that I am immensely grateful.