How To Make a Multicultural Marriage Work

Vows said, heart full, cake cut, dance floor dirtied, me and my white dress waiting for my groom to whisk me away… and waiting, and waiting.

Meanwhile…

Groom personally thanking each and every vendor, helping to tear down the dance floor, checking in with every last, lingering guest, until finally…

Tears shed, heart mended, groom in hand, driving off into the sunset.

Here we go! 

Choosing a multicultural marriage

I make up one half of a multicultural marriage. I am a distant mix of European and Russian while my husband was born and somewhat bred in Mexico, fully bred by Mexicans. He was a mystery to me from the beginning.

Of course this mystique is a combination of nature and nurture, but there was and remains a distinct cultural chasm influencing our relationship. In everything from the way we communicate, to the way we view the world and relate to people, our radically different cultural backgrounds are at play, enriching our perspectives and marriage while simultaneously bringing us to our knees in exasperation. Though it is impossible to fully elucidate what is cultural and what is merely inevitable in two distinct human beings joining forces and living, as my husband says, as a new and stronger unit.

But there are absolutely unique and powerful cultural influences at work in our lives as husband and wife, as partners in parenting, and as members of our Church, families and community. Here are a few tips for multi-cultural marriages that five years of marital bliss—fought for tooth and nail—have revealed.

1. Make no assumptions and clarify everything.

Assumptions are disastrous and need to be not only avoided but actively sought out and rectified.

Time will undoubtedly force this upon you, but waiting for misunderstandings to wreak havoc on your happiness and trust is perhaps not the best route to take. Growing up in different cultural contexts can result in roadblocks you don’t even know you’re jammed up against.

Very quickly, my husband and I started to take stock of what, exactly, we meant by almost every little thing, and more often than I thought possible his revelations blindsided me. For example, his “a little bit ago” meant ten years past whereas I took it to mean earlier in the week. It is easier to get a handle on one another’s thinking if you assume nothing and clarify everything early on.

2. Realize there may be different dating expectations.

A stumbling block in my own relationship was the big “meet the mother” moment, or rather, lack thereof. While I thought we were gliding right along towards marriage, the fact that he had not yet introduced me to his mother quickly became a concern.

Months later, when I finally and tearfully told him that if I didn’t mean enough to him to warrant a relationship with his mother perhaps we should part ways, he was quite literally shocked. He told me that once I met his mother there was no turning back, and he hadn’t wanted to rush me. I assumed meeting the mother was a normal, natural part of getting to know one another. He assumed meeting the mother was akin to a marriage proposal. Insert two giant breaths of relief.

3. Strive to be a balanced team.

Priorities and values will not merge seamlessly; put in the effort to understand one another, and pray for the humility to honestly evaluate your own opinions and impressions.

Life will be so much easier (read: better!) if you can meet in the middle. If one of you highly values freedom of expression while the other values poise and decorum, you can either clash or compromise. You probably love that he pulls it all out of you and he probably appreciates a conversation that’s not a constant battle for the mic, but time can chip away at our appreciation of differences. Keep reminding yourself of the blessings these present and work towards a balanced approach and united front.

4. Agree on an entertaining strategy that respects both cultures.

Decide on a strategy for relating to others (family, friends and children) that you both can live with and stick to it!

Everyone loses when one of you says, “drop by any time,” but your guests are met with a stressed out and obviously less-than-thrilled host when they do. In this example, you can either continue to operate independently, where inevitably one of you is the stick in the mud and the other insensitive, or you can literally put systems in place.

My aha! moment came days after our first son was born.

"Let’s quickly swing by my uncle’s.”

“Okay!” said this beaming new mama, eager to show off my sweet baby. Three hours later, forced yet again to be the bad guy and kill the party that had quickly materialized, I was fuming. We had talked about this time and time again, to no avail. There was only one explanation; he must not love me or care about our baby’s sleep schedule, aka his needs, aka the baby himself!

Of course this wasn’t true—my husband is devoted to our children—but it emphasized the need to have a system in place for moments like this. In our case, I agreed to (and want!) an open door policy but have to work quite hard at it, so although that’s the rule, my husband is sure to check in with me after a bit and wrap things up if I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Decide together: are friends treated as family, and if so, what does that look like and where do you draw the line? Do you drop everything for family or are there limits (aka will you live as Mexicans or German-Americans)?

Inconsistency in how you relate to the rest of the world is a crack you can’t afford.

Ultimately, communication & compromise is key.

Of course all of these also apply to marriages within a single culture—culture—urban vs. rural upbringing, familial culture, and a thousand other differences will always exist—but within a multi-cultural marriage, it is all the more important to communicate, evaluate your priorities together, and have an “us in relation to them” game plan.

With an open mind and enough commitment and love for one another to steady the boat during the storms, a multi-cultural marriage is the most thrilling adventure. Enjoy!