How Fierce Independence Can Cripple You

You know who I’m talking about.

The coworker with admirable tunnel vision for reaching the top. That silent, brilliant classmate who never needs to socialize. The friend who “don’t need no man” to be happy.

Maybe you are that person, like I was. Or at least, I wanted to be that person. Independence is something I prize. In high school and college, my ultimate goal was to be totally self-reliant. It came from a good place—I wanted to be the rock for my siblings, that friend who could always be counted on, a good example for my students. If I could just be entirely independent, I’d have more to give other people. I certainly didn’t want to be dependent on a man—I was just fine on my own, thank you very much.

Here’s how that panned out.

I ended up becoming the definition of dependent, due to a serious illness. I lost my internship, my job, most of my friends, even my ability to walk. I was dependent on someone else for literally all of my needs, including getting up the stairs, eating, and sometimes even brushing my teeth. Rather the opposite of what I’d wanted.

God teaches us what we don’t know, right? I thought I knew all about independence—I knew (rightly) that it was good, and thus thought more of it was better. During the sick years when I was forced to be dependent, I realized my warped idea of fierce independence had been hampering me. How? I’d made the stupid mistake of valuing independence for the mere sake of independence! Duh, right? Let’s go over how to recognize the idolized form of independence I had so prized.

The wrong independence will:

1. Make you insecure. If you think you’re 100% competent on your own, anything that threatens it threatens your very identity. Sickness, injury, making a mistake, not knowing what to do, etc., will suddenly become huge crises. Even friendships and relationships, when they get anywhere past casual, make you think you’re counting on someone else too much. You will see just how fragile you are on your own, and your fiercely prized identity isn’t the key to security at all.

2. Make you overcompensate for flaws. Fierce independence can make you think you’re not supposed to have flaws, that you are supposed to be perfect. This thought will make you agonize over the smallest mistake. This is counter-intuity at its finest, folks.

3. Isolate you. People will be intimidated by you, and you will be intimidated by the very idea that you might have to rely on someone else. This will isolate you from meeting any romantic partners, keep you distant from your friends, even start cutting off your relationship with God. Not such a great thing for building a God-centered marriage!

I found out the hard way: what really matters is where your independence is rooted.

Many people have said they envy my confidence, self-trust, and natural belief in myself. I still have all those traits, but those things weren’t a product of fierce independence, as I had mistakenly thought. We should be confident not because we are self-sufficient, but because we are made in the image of God.

We should trust ourselves not because we don’t trust others, but because we are in the world but not of the world.

We should believe in ourselves not because we are worthy of belief, but because Christ believes in us. See the pattern here? It’s not the trait that makes us independent. It’s in whom we find our security.

True independence will:

1. Make you secure in God. You don’t have to worry about threats to your identity—nothing can threaten what God has claimed for His own. So you can go along your merry way without feeling like you have to watch every step for a potential pothole.

2. Make the most of your strengths without trying to compensate for flaws. The grace is how you can forgive yourself and treat yourself as human, not as some fragile porcelain perfection. We all make mistakes, we all mess up. The weight of our mistakes isn’t on our own shoulders—it’s on His, on the cross.

3. Make you a better friend, a better romantic partner, and a better Christian. When you know your entire being is dependent on a divine Creator, everything around you becomes a gift instead of a threat. Aren’t you more attracted to the person who can be vulnerable, not because of insecurity, but because they know they’re only human? You can be that person. That’s one of the countless bonuses that make you a better friend and dater, both of which prepare you for marriage.

Want to know the crazy thing about my independence journey?

Right during the worst of my sickness, when I had almost nothing left to call my own, that’s when God plopped my now-husband on the scene. Would I have met him if I hadn’t been so sick and *shudder* dependent? Probably not.

Even if I had, could I have cracked open my shell of independence to let him into my life? I don’t know. But I am very glad God didn’t take that chance on me. He made sure I was good and ready to understand interdependence before introducing me to the right person. And He might teach you the same thing.