Will It Always Hurt This Much

The only thing I can imagine more painful or traumatic than going through a divorce is the tragic death of a child or spouse.

In the weeks and months after my divorce, I wondered how long the pain would endure. The first nine months after, I lived at my parents as I saved money, got back on my feet, and started looking for my own apartment.

Sometimes I would just weep in the arms of my mom. Through my tears, I whimpered, “Mom, will it always hurt this much? How long will this pain last? It just hurts so much, I do not think I can do this. How will I possibly get through this? Will I ever be happy again?” I imagine for my mom, those were some of the most painful moments for her to watch.

The grief process looks different for everyone and may not be a straight line.

The process of grieving the loss of a marriage will look different for every person going through the experience. How you process and work through the pain may look a little different than it did for me.

I do not know how long it will take for you. I don’t know the healing steps you need to take to be made whole again.

But this much I know: Yes, the pain will end someday. You will get through it. You will not only survive the pain of your divorce, you will thrive again in spite of it.

I am certain of this, because I got through it. The pain of divorce faded over time, and the hurt went away. Life does eventually feel less overwhelming and more manageable. Of course, twinges of it rise up every now and then, but it eases over time.

You will laugh again and smile. You will learn to be happy and find peace, even if that doesn’t include finding someone to be with.

How fast or slow will your healing be? That's up to you.

From my experience, I would say it takes one full year before life begins to feel more stable and you find a new routine.

That first year is the most difficult because you have a lot of firsts to get through: your first holidays as a single person, the day that would have been your wedding anniversary, your former spouse’s birthday, learning to drive by places you had memories with your former spouse without bursting into tears, etc.

I found that the first year was filled with more emotional ups and downs. But here are a few things I found most helpful on how to cope mentally and spiritually with wondering how long it would hurt this much:

1. Find a counselor to help you deal with and face your pain

Maybe you have never been to counseling or think you don’t need it that badly. But this is the perfect opportunity to explore it now.

I found counseling to be such a gift and in a lot of ways an emotional lifeline. It helped me own my part in the marriage, as well as work through trauma and issues from childhood that I dragged into my marriage. Yes, I am still the same person (my Patty-ness is still the same!), but I am much more free, whole, and healed.

Pour yourself into the experience of counseling wholeheartedly, and it will be a radically life changing experience. I know it was for me. 

2. Be open to forgiving your former spouse

Choosing to forgive your spouse is half the battle. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die; it only hurts you and will lead to bitterness and resentment.

Don’t know where to start in forgiving your former spouse? Ask the Holy Spirit, and beg God to give you the desire to forgive him or her. Start there and see the transformation of heart the Lord will bring about. Yes, it is possible.

3. Be patient and gentle with yourself

I remember thinking early on that grief is very similar to the waves of the ocean. Sometimes the tide is high and the current strong and overwhelming. Other times it feels still and almost peaceful. Grief is an up and down journey; you cannot control the process.

You just have to submit yourself to it, to let yourself grieve the losses from your marriage.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. Do not rush through it, give yourself the time you need.

Make sure you are really listening to your body and spirit. Eat healthy. Make time for exercise. Get outside in nature. Spend time with friends and family. Try new activities.

Do not isolate yourself from living life and trying to build a new one for yourself. There is life after divorce: a life of purpose, meaning, contentment, and yes, even joy. The only way you get through it is head-on.

Have you ever had an experience in life that left you thinking, “How will I possibly get through this?” How did you thrive in spite of it?