How to Find Yourself After Divorce

Finding yourself again, after a long and difficult divorce can be an equally long and difficult process. I remember that after my husband left, I would often think about how I didn’t even know who I was anymore. All those labels I had used—wife, full-time mom, lifetime companion—didn’t fit any more. For that reason, I felt that I needed to redefine my life.

Many people may think that after a divorce would be a great opportunity to reinvent oneself. It does sound pretty optimistic now that I say it aloud, but at the time I found it rather devastating. I think that was because I never wanted my marriage to end. I never wanted to give up being a wife and a lifetime companion. And it really is a bit difficult to reinvent yourself when you have the full-time responsibility of raising children.

It’s been many years since my divorce and I’ve come to a place where I can say I am truly happy and open to God’s will in leading me down the paths he has chosen for me. I oftentimes write about how time does help the healing of these wounds and I have found that to be true. Right after I got my annulment I used to wonder every time I met a new and single man—“is this the one?” Surely, I thought, I had been a good wife and it was all I wanted back. God just had to provide for that need. With some time and distance, that ache I felt and my constant worry at being alone has gone.

Once that happened I was able to finally really think about how I wanted my new life to be. First, I went back to school. School was something familiar to me that I enjoyed and it helped to fill up those long hours when my girls were with their father. Then God graced me with a job working for a Catholic organization. I wasn’t even looking for a new position when this particular job fell into my lap. I’ve been working at Catholic organizations ever since.

I also challenged myself to do new things. I found movies I liked to see and I went alone to the $5 movie night. It’s not like you speak to someone when you watch a movie anyway! I went to visit museums and I picked new churches to visit for Sunday Mass. I packed a lunch and went to a park. I took scenic drives in the country. I eventually made new single friends and planned activities with them. I challenged myself to try new foods and to stop at a consignment store to buy a new sweater instead of spending full price at the mall. 

In all of these little ways, I worked to find myself again. Now that these years have gone by, I can honestly say I am comfortable in my own skin. All of the resolutions that I had to my situation have not come to pass, but since I have found myself again, I’m not so anxious to force something to happen. I’m happier now to sit back and let God guide me along.

If you have been through a divorce, what things have you done to help find yourself again?