The Do's and Don'ts of Breaking Up

Hi. If you’re reading this, you probably don’t want to be here.

Breakups are not easy, regardless of how necessary they are. 

To help make it easier for you, I put together a list of do’s and don’ts for a Catholic breakup. They won’t make breakups easy, but they will make it easier.

1. Do Make It Short and Sweet

This is probably the best advice to start off with. You may want to put together a grand speech or cathartic rant to break up with your significant other. This may be to get vengeance or to make them feel better. The latter is a good thought, but the former is probably something you should take to confession. Both are bad ideas.

In a breakup, you are simply delivering bad news. No one wants a long preamble to hear that their dog got hit by a bus. Just tell her the news: the relationship is over. And let her experience the shock and disappointment. This is especially true if she knows it’s coming. 

If you break up with your boyfriend, he won’t hear anything after the bad news. He’ll just be thinking about why you’re breaking up with him and what he’ll do with those Coldplay tickets he bought for your date next month.

2. Don’t Use Any Clichés

You know the ones. “I’ve got a lot going on right now.” “I just don’t think we’re right for each other.” “You’re great, but…” “It’s not you, it’s me.” etc. All of these are meant to soften the blow, shift the blame onto yourself, or explain things a little. They do none of these things.

All of these communicate the opposite of what you want them to. You want to give her a reason, so you say a cliché. She has heard these in movies and TV shows and knows they mean nothing. So now, you have communicated, “I’m breaking up with you for no reason.” 

3. Do Pray About It

Saying “pray about it” sounds like a cliché, but it is definitely not. I put this one here in the list because if I put it at the beginning or end, you might skip it. Prayer is not only important for discernment, it’s also important for strength and comfort. What you’re about to do is hard. It’s much easier to stay in a bad relationship than take the leap and break up. You need strength.

Spend time in front of Jesus in the Eucharist. Not much, just a little bit of time. Don’t go in when you’re feeling overly excited or depressed. Pray about it when you feel the most like yourself. If you feel at peace with the decision, even if it’s hard, it’s probably the right one.

4. Don’t Wait Until “After…”

We have all said it before. I can’t break up with her on New Year’s! That’s a horrible way to start the year! I can’t break up with him on Christmas! He’ll turn into a scrooge! I can’t break up with her on St. Crispin’s Day! She’ll never be able to read Henry V again!

Okay, maybe not that last one...

There is always a reason not to break up with someone…yet. But very rarely are these reasons strong. Usually, they are just an excuse to stave off the inevitable. We don’t want to cause someone pain during a happy season. We don’t want to cause them pain when they’re going through something hard. Really, we just don’t want to cause someone pain.

It’s an honorable desire, but it's misplaced. It’s better to break up with them now than pretend everything is fine when it isn’t. 

5. Do Talk to Friends

This goes hand in hand with prayer. Friends help you get your head straight. They know you pretty well and can tell when you’re being dumb. Sometimes we can trick ourselves during prayer into thinking we’re hearing God’s voice when really, we’re hearing our own. Friends can help you discern.

That said, don’t just talk to any friend. Talk to your friends who you know to be wise. Wise people will consider problems from many angles and won’t just give blanket advice or make decisions rashly. A wise friend will give you advice but leave the final decision up to you. That’s the kind of person you need to talk to.

6. Don’t Apologize or Give Reasons

Giving reasons for breaking up seems like a good idea, but it rarely is. Remember the “short and sweet” rule. Giving reasons prolongs the process. They generally won’t receive the reasons well or even register what you’re saying. Don’t be quick to give a reason why. Only do it if they press you.

The impulse to give a reason is understandable. We want to be helpful. This same impulse will lead us to do things like apologize, which is a kind of reason. Instead of saying to him “I’m breaking up with you because of you,” it’s, “I’m doing this because of me.” The same rules apply. It prolongs the process.

You may be tempted to offer a generic “I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you.” Avoid this as well. This telegraphs that you are doing something wrong, which you are not. You have prayed about it, talked with friends, and discerned this is the right thing to do.

Breaking up is difficult, but if you follow these guidelines, you can do it well.

Remember after the breakup to go through a period of mourning, even if you were the one who made the call. Breakups are kind of like a death in some way. You both need to move on and find acceptance.

Remember to stay close to your friends and close to Christ in this process.