Your Guide to the First 4 Weeks of a New Relationship
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Here’s a scenario I’m sure we’re all familiar with. You go to singles events, you scan your matches on CM at night, you have gone out with the son of every one of your mom’s friends—and now, you finally have a date.
You agree to meet at a coffee shop, you both put on your most appealing outfits, you talk over your lattes for hours, and you chat on the phone later that night. By lunch the next day, all of your friends have heard about the date and your sister has picked out her bridesmaid dress. This is great, right? You’ve met The One!
No. Stop. This is the time to rein it in and back off. Yes, be excited about this new gal or guy in your life—I’m not that mean. But now is just the beginning of a possible successful relationship and that means it’s the time to set some boundaries.
Before I start sounding like a relationship expert, please let me say I’m not. I am an expert at making mistakes—even mistakes I warn my closest friends about. Nevertheless, having boundaries and communicating them directly can stop problems before they happen. I found these three fantastic guidelines that you should think about the next time you try out his last name...
1. Spend less time talking on the phone late into the night.
You know when you first meet someone and they’re just so great and you want to tell each other all sorts of things? Well, don’t. Just like first dates should be short and casual, relationships shouldn’t set off at an alarming pace. You just met this girl and everything is wonderful, but leave a little to the imagination. You can always spend more time talking together once you’re really in a relationship, but cutting back can be painful.
Sometimes texting can make you fall into the same trap. Just because it’s easy to text during the day, doesn’t mean you should do it constantly. Discuss good times to talk and text, so you’re not neglecting your actual job (I have NEVER done this).
Disclaimer here: About a month into my relationship, I woke up around 2am to a bunch of texts from my new man. Assuming he turned off his phone at night, I responded. And woke him up. That started a whole text conversation, neither of us could fall back asleep, and we were both zombies the next day. However, we learned our lesson and can laugh about this now. We also turn our ringers off at night.
2. Limit the number of times you see each other in a week.
When you think you’re really hitting it off with someone, you want to see more of them. That’s normal. The problem comes up when you’re in that honeymoon phase and just have crazy endorphins flowing—this is when red flags are ignored and the swooning starts. We date to test compatibility. If we’re already smitten with someone in our minds, there’s no point in serious discernment. The beginning of a relationship is a good time to test self-sacrifice.
Last summer, after a successful first date, we decided that we’d meet up again the following week. A few days later my schedule changed and I suggested we might meet up that night. Thankfully, my date turned me down. He thought going out once a week would be good at that stage. He was so right. It’s better to hold back now, especially if you’re not dating exclusively. You’ll get there! And you won’t keep falling for the wrong guy.
I know a woman who gave up her boyfriend for Lent. They only talked twice a week. Was it crazy? I think it was a good way to re-set some boundaries (and a few kids later...well, it worked for them!).
3. Plan actual dates instead of just hanging out.
I’m not one for newfangled terminology, but this just screams “Intentional Dating.” As practicing Catholics, we date other people to assess our compatibility for a possible future marriage. Dates require thought and planning. They’re usually in public. A man who puts effort into a date wants to be with you. If he continues to think up new things to do, he really wants to be with you.
I am an introvert and naps are my favorite thing. Most nights, I’d prefer to rush home from work and just watch baseball on my couch. Now that I’m a year into my relationship, sometimes we do watch TV together. It’s not a regular thing though. Typically, we spend Sundays together—Mass, adoration, lunch, family parties, walks in the park. During the week, he plans a date night—or asks me to plan it.
It’s great to be able to relax with someone and just be yourself, but it’s also important not to let this happen so fast that you’re on a fast track to marriage with someone you barely know. And as any good priest will tell you—hanging out on couches can be the most comfortable near occasion of sin around.
Those little red flags that pop up in some relationships can be hidden when you’re so caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. Goals are good—sticking to them is the tricky part. Spare yourself some heartbreak and keep those boundaries strong until passionate feelings are replaced by companionate love. You’ll probably thank me later.
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