Pre-Cana Reversed: Are Annulment Questionnaires Helpful?

If you ask people who go through the annulment process what they thought of filling out the questionnaire, you will probably hear things like, "It was the most grueling experience of my life," or "I had to set aside time to be upset." Why this reaction? Because the questions are surprisingly direct and deliberately probing.

This is not because canon lawyers and tribunal workers simply want you to air your dirty laundry, it is because they want you to really think about and be impacted by the weight of the choices and decisions you and your spouse made with the hopes it will help you heal from the past and make better choices in the future.

A grueling but brilliant questionnaire

In my own experience, that questionnaire was beyond grueling. Inquiries about me and my past, about him and his past. Questions about our parents and families, our careers, our courtship, our wedding day. And perhaps the most insightful question, “What did it mean to you to be in love?” Dredging up those ugly, painful memories I had tried so hard to put behind me was agonizing, and reliving my divorce was a very bitter pill to swallow.

Yet, there was a brilliance in it all. The intensely personal inquiries opened my eyes to the truth of what had happened and revealed an entirely new perspective on my marriage. It helped me recognize the many poor choices I made going into the relationship, but most of all, it left me completely perplexed because I couldn't understand why no one had asked me those questions before I got married.

Shouldn't a couple preparing for marriage be contemplating these same questions?

Couples who are taking their preparation for marriage seriously are looking for something more than discussions about money and contraception, and I believe the substance they're seeking can be found in the annulment questionnaire.

Pre-Cana in reverse

As a Catholic who was divorced, received an annulment and has now been married for 16 years, I found the annulment process was far better preparation for marriage than the pre-Cana programs I went through before going to the altar either time. Why does the real, substantive marriage preparation come after it’s too late?

Now, I am not knocking all marriage preparation programs, and I know since the close of the Synod on the family in 2015 dioceses have looked for ways to enhance their programs, but the biggest problem we face today is couples aren’t marrying the way their grandparents and great-grandparents did. Society has placed many different kinds of pressures on singles and impressed ideas upon them that are not conducive to making a marriage last. So it is critical that we approach the formation of couples differently, too.

There are two areas of the annulment questionnaire that provide excellent content to create a marriage preparation program:

1.     The exploration of the childhood and family life of each partner.

This section offers insight into whether or not he and she have right ideas about what marriage is. Discussions about religious upbringing; problems in the parents’ marriage; any treatment for emotional, psychological or psychiatric problems; any history of alcohol or drug abuse and any history of physical, mental or sexual abuse can begin to paint the bigger picture needed to know if one or both are suitable for marriage.

2.    Detailed discussions about the dating and engagement period of the couple.

These questions reveal a lot about his and her maturity level before marriage and whether there might be any impediments already in existence. Many priests and therapists will admit that ignorance of the fact that marriage is meant to be a permanent, exclusive, life-long commitment that is open to new life is the area most lacking in couples preparing for marriage.

I think everyone would love to see divorce go away and marriages flourish, and for this to happen, I think it would be a very good thing to include insights from the annulment questionnaire. Discussions about money, sex, and children are vital to helping a couple start out on the right foot, but in the end, commitment is the key. If couples know more about each other and take a good look at the foundation they have created for themselves, I believe they will be better prepared for a happy future together.