3 Ways To Prepare For Marriage Now

More and more I hear men are avoiding marriage because they feel as though the deck is stacked against them. They look at the divorce statistics and the burdens that many divorced men are saddled with after going through the court systems. Many single men decide to avoid entrapment, remain unattached, and perhaps join the ranks of “Men Going Their Own Way.”

It’s a seductive alternative, to be sure. Why not enjoy a life of freedom? It’s easy to blame the system and the nameless, faceless women who are waiting to take everything from you and leave you to face decades of bitterness and alimony.

This was not always the case with men. When I talked to my father before I got married he told me that the pursuit of marriage and children was something he and most of his friends just took as a given. It was an entry into manhood. They were eager to grow up and leave childhood behind.

Today, however, marriage and children (and the prospect of losing them once you take the plunge) are seen as obstacles to freedom. The same goes for getting lost in an unsatisfying or oppressive career. But I can’t help but think that all of the no strings attached talk is a cover for a very real fear: the fear of making a mistake. The fear of being unprepared or blindsided seems to be an epidemic these days. People are afraid of choosing the wrong major, the wrong career path, the wrong job, the wrong spouse. Instead of preparing ourselves and facing life, we hide in a life of self-attention and stand-still.

I think this fear can be conquered through preparation and learning. Couples who prepare for marriage, who try to learn about what marriage is, have a very low divorce rate. If you prepare now it will go a long way to conquering the natural fears that rear their heads as you get nearer to entering the covenant of marriage.

Although I found my wife at age 45, after years of searching, I still had a little trouble adjusting because I had not prepared in the way I should have. There are three things I wish I had done. I urge you to do all of them now, as they will help you prepare for marriage, should that be your vocation.

1. I wish I had talked to more married people before I had gotten married.

I relied too heavily on what I thought marriage should be, and my perception was greatly warped by popular culture. Too many movies, too much daydreaming, and too much of the “modern” take on marriage only served to provide me with a fantasy version of marriage. Instead of reading the latest blog posts about how to “follow my bliss” I should have been talking to married Catholics. Or married people in general.

Just as important is reading about what marriage is. And by that I mean reading about what the sacrament of marriage is. Marriage is a physical and emotional affair, but it is also a spiritual one – and I don’t mean that in a superficial, feel-good new age kind of way. Marriage is a spiritual crucible. In marriage, if we are doing it right, we allow God to smooth our jagged edges. As man and wife we are a new creation, and we are open to the creation of a new life in children, if we are so blessed. We also find in our companion a comfort and a safe haven that are dim reflections of those provided by Christ. All of these things are great joys, but they are not available if you are selfish. You need to let God take a chisel to you. It can be painful. Which brings me to my second regret:

2. I wish I had practiced occasional mortifications.

Self-denial is not in vogue. Forgoing instant gratification is not popular. Denying ourselves happiness and comfort is considered unhealthy. And when hardship is pursued, as in the latest diet or body-crushing fitness insanity, it’s only because we know that on the other side we will have a moment of self-satisfaction and pleasure to revel in. Or at least bragging rights on Facebook with pictures of themselves from the latest mud run with the caption “THIS…IS…SPARTAAAAAAA!”

There are moments in marriage when you have to deprive yourself of those wonderful moments of laziness, or indulgence, or complete lack of motivation that you used to enjoy almost whenever you wanted as a single person. Don’t get me wrong – you don’t want to go back to being single, but sometimes you run up against an obstacle that you are not going to climb over unless you drop the remote and the pizza.

Practice mortification now. Deny yourself the extra cup of coffee when you really want it. Get out of bed 10 minutes earlier when you want to hit that snooze. Not all the time – just occasionally. Get used to giving up the little things. Even if you never get married you are building fortitude (my favorite of the cardinal virtues – and the one I lack most).

3. I wish I had started earlier.

The advent of online dating has increased our apparent pool of prospects exponentially, but in an ironic twist it has also helped to reduce meaningful social interaction. My search for a spouse consisted largely of scrolling through prospects and sending a furtive introduction when I felt everything was perfect and the chance of failure approached zero. I didn’t go to Catholic singles events. I didn’t form many contacts with Catholics, married or single, at all. I didn’t ask many women out on dates. I didn’t move toward marriage; I just browsed online when I felt like it. Mostly I lived for myself.

Get out there now. Talk to people now. Avoid the temptation to live in an echo chamber where everyone reinforces the idea of autonomy and freedom. Resist the temptation to succumb to the fear of loss and failure!