Is There a Secret to Finding a Loving Spouse?

Let's begin with the direct answer. YES!

There is a secret to finding a spouse. Yes, a secret exists. Want to know what it is? Well then—read on!

I knew early in life that my vocation was to the married state. Like most young adults, I often dreamed about my beloved husband. The picture in my head revealed a strong, lean, guy who flashed a wide smile under twinkling eyes. His demeanor was gentle and unassuming. He put those around him at ease. His mannerisms and interactions showcased a tender, loving heart. Just thinking about my 'ideal' spouse made my heart race. I could not wait to meet him and begin our life together.

My mental picture of the perfect spouse was in the back of my mind every time I met a potential suitor.

If he matched my ideals, I would become receptive. If not, he was a non-starter. Let me tell you, I dismissed many men completely over the years. It is no wonder that it took me such a long time to meet someone, date seriously, and get married!

You see, I thought that the secret to finding a loving spouse was to create a litmus test for what I wanted in a spouse and apply it to every man I met. I wasted so much time looking for a spouse based on ideals that were totally maligned. I had created an imaginary spouse based on emotional desires; desires that were completely founded on flimsy sentimentality. I had no idea that my ideas were actually leading me away from marriage. How foolish of me!

In reality, the secret to finding a loving spouse is not about a list of external wishes and ideals. Rather the secret something found within you. It is your ability to properly understand marriage and what you (and the person you meet) have to do to meet the demands of being a spouse. Fulfilling the secret begins by becoming the type of person who is willing to live the sacramental mystery of conjugal love.

Let's look at the definition of marriage as stated in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Paragraph 1601 states in part that; "The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership for the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring..."

Hmm, there is nothing in this definition about a spouse's external looks or mannerisms. Nor does it make mention of romance and good feelings. Rather, the definition reveals that marriage is about living in God's goodness with another for life, and being open to having and raising children.

What is one of the first steps to meeting these ideals? Sacrifice. Sacrifice means that you are willing to accept the hard things when they come along. It means becoming a person who can control their thoughts, feelings and impulses in both the ups and downs of life rather than let them rule the moment. Accepting that sacrifice is a necessary and good part of life—especially life as a spouse—is essential to living the demands of marriage.

Here's another step to preparing yourself to be a spouse. Becoming helpful.

Show up for others rather than just talk about doing so. Stand up for those who you agree with as well as those that you disagree with. Uphold everyone's dignity. Remain hopeful—especially when life gets messy. Resist the urge to remove another's responsibilities. Never think that you can or have the potential to solve everyone's problems. As one of my friends says; "we already have a Savior and you are not Him!"

The final step to meeting these ideals is to hone your ability to see the real character of those you date. Learn how to ask good questions that indicate what kind of person they are. Instead of learning if they are Catholic or not, why not discuss how Catholic they are? Talk about household management, each other's thoughts about luxury vs. necessity, or how you view legitimate privacy and togetherness.

Song of Songs 2:16 says "My lover belongs to me and I to him." This is the fruit of finding a loving spouse. It is the fulfillment of the secret. As you continue your search for 'the one' God has planned for you, stay focused on becoming a gift that you can freely give when the moment arrives.