In Sickness And In Health: Illness Changes Marriage

Married life does not always consist of blissful happiness.

I know many, many couples who have gone through health crises of all sorts somewhere in their marriage. To boot, I have the unique experience of going into marriage with an illness to start with. With what we’ve both seen and lived, my husband and I have learned a great deal about how to deal with sickness in marriage.

Why should you prepare for this? Well, your wedding vows clearly state “in sickness and in health.” Besides that, couples prepare for children, for jobs, for moves, and for all different things in life. Sickness is just one of those possible things.

But as with everything else about marriage, you can never fully prepare for it!

So when reading this article, don’t wrap yourself into a knot worrying. Just do your best to accept that you might face illness one day. You can prepare simply by saving this list to pull out when you need it.

Keep in mind, different illnesses affect marriage in different ways. Perhaps the most common are fragile pregnancies and aging concerns. Acute sudden illnesses, a disabling injury, or the onset of a chronic problem can suddenly erase your plans for the future. And perhaps the most frightening include serious mental illnesses and terminal illnesses. You might also face poor health in other family members like your children or your own parents.

Whatever it may be, there are a few basic things to ease the journey and keep your relationship strong.

1. You can’t be the only person taking care of the sick spouse.

Nor is it fair to rely solely on the healthy spouse to take care of you. Don’t go it alone! Keep in mind your extended support system. Things like meal preparation, laundry, and cleaning can all be performed by others who want to lend a hand. Try hard not to overtax any one person, and embrace a team mentality. (Also, be open to helping others you know in this way—you aren’t the only team members who will ever be in need.)

2. Have an emergency fund to fall back on.

Yep, I’m pulling a Dave Ramsey here! Health and medical stressors can put huge financial burdens on a couple. Keeping an emergency fund will obviously give you some security for potential medical bills. This is possibly the only preparation you can do ahead of time, while you are both healthy or even while you’re still single!

3. Set up a successful environment.

For example, my chronic illness often leaves me unable to walk. So, my husband and I set up our house to be one-level living and crutches-compatible. Other health problems will need different things! Don’t underestimate how a few changes around the house can take stress off both of you. Try to set up multiple “resting” spots, make medications easy to access (with a printed list of when and what to take!), keep puzzles or movies on hand, or put multiple phone chargers around so your sick spouse can always call someone. Be creative!

4. Prioritize communication.

(Duh, everybody knows that.) I’m talking specifically about communication of the health problem. Maybe one of you knows medical lingo and the other doesn’t, or you both are confused. If/when a health crisis arises, do your research together so you can effectively talk about it. Talk to doctors and others who have been through a similar illness so you can learn the terminology and what to expect. Be on the same page when it comes to the new language of medicine/illness/disability! This will set you up for clarity, understanding, and easier communication.

5. Ensure your couple activities are branched into many areas.

I lied, there’s one more thing you can do well before anyone gets sick. Build your romance across multiple pastimes, so health problems don't erase your dates. For example, if all you do together is dance or work out, a broken leg could completely derail your emotional connection by destroying your usual dates. But if you go out dancing, read books, and enjoy cooking together, that broken leg will only take away one of your beloved activities. See what I mean? Vary your dates to enjoy both staying home and going out, active things and sit-down games. Options ensure your connection will stay strong no matter how new limitations look. 

6. Don’t neglect me-time.

Caretakers need to recharge, and so does the sick person. It’s healthy to spend some time away from each other. Be creative in finding the time and space to recharge and pursue your personal interests or goals. Most importantly, try not to beat yourself up when you’re taking some time for yourself. It’s hard, I know, but you have to take care of you, too.

7. PRAY. 

Pray together and alone. There’s a treasure trove of devotionals, prayers, music, litanies, and books that will fit any stage in your life. Dig around and find what works for you, even if that looks different than you’re used to. (A few of my personal favorites include the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, the songs Beautiful History and I Can’t Do This by Plumb, and St. Therese’s Story Of A Soul, to name just a few). Ask others to pray for you and your spouse, too.

I know illness is not the most fun topic to think about.

“In sickness and in health” is a real vow and you all know that. I believe it’s geared toward the more final “til death do us part.” Caring for each other in illness is a practice run for the eventual end of your marriage: death.

Memento Mori is all about this, to remind us that through our struggles and trials, we make it to the next life strong and holy. So keep joy in your heart—health trials hurt, but they are an opportunity to grow closer to our heavenly Father!